women

[1v0ry_k1ng]

I think we've heard the full autobiography of your relationship with panda a sufficent number of times

[PicassoCT]

and they trolled havilly ever after :D

Story always brings me to tears

srsly, its really effective, telling bad invented storys of happiness to all those lonely...

[Panda]

I was not trying to meet guys at the university. I was there to get my degree.

Aw, SwiftSpear, you are sweet, but seem to have such a negative view of emotions. How do you think one learns how to properly handle them that way, especially when emotional problems occur? To find a solution, I think it would be best to think of what it would be like to experience something of an absence of emotion, like flat affect (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art ... ekey=26293). Without emotion, one may not have the drive to do anything which is part of the reason why people with depression want to die and try to kill themselves.

To handle such situations one can not really reason with an unreasonable person either, especially if the person is experiencing depression and is having psychotic tendencies (a common symptom that may go along with depression). That person may loose touch with reality and not understand what you are trying to say to them. In that situation it is imperative that you have a good understanding of emotion and make the proper emotional response (soothing, on guard, etc.).

I went to a relationship advice meeting once. They told us, "don't get into a relationship if you're not right with yourself, if you feel really emotionally off, a relationship won't fix that, and you'll pile baggage onto the other party". I think if you're really psychologically off, you should be careful about dating just for that it's like you're emotionally sick, and not being able to normally experience romance emotionally, will make the whole thing much more difficult and dangerous. Being afraid of clowns is one thing, but a relationship will be really difficult for both parties if one of them is suicidally depressed. Not that it's doomed to failure, you can work on healing together, but it's not the best way often, it will be putting possibly too high an expectation on a young relationship to expect it to be positive in a landmine of a psychological situation.

That sounds like good advice for someone beginning a relationship. However, what if you are already in a relationship and the person has a close member of the family die or something like that and becomes very depressed? That kind of thing eventually happens to everyone at some point or another and in that situation, if you wish to stay in the relationship, you can not expect yourself to always stay emotionally calm if that person who you love ends up having an outburst or a psychotic episode because they're feeling psychologically unstable at that time. It is better to back off when that occurs and keep your distance, but you can not always do that or the relationship will not last. The advice that you were given at that meeting was good as far as helping you find a person who you can live with, but not very useful when it comes to maintaining a relationship. In addition to that, some people get into such bad situations (as in they're getting too much stress from factors outside of the relationship) that they cannot maintain the relationship even though they had a very good relationship to begin with.

What I was speaking out against, is so many people get into this "I just don't feel in love with you any more" thing, and let that be a factor that ends a promising relationship. The feeling of love comes and goes, and more often than not takes work to bring about. You're going to hurt yourself and someone else if you let that feeling lead your decision making. Every relationship has up times and down times, if anything, the down times are needed too, to show us how awesome the up times really are. I'm just saying, the most healthy relationship in the world, don't expect it to be easy, don't expect it to be painless. Even if you've been hurt by the other party for some reason, don't just assume that feeling will always stick either and call things off. Be logical in Love, at least enough to ensure that you don't do something you will regret later in the heat of the moment.

I agree with your vie on the "I just don't feel in love with you any more" thing. I don't imagine that one would have to be around a lot of people with mood disorders or have someone threaten you with a knife to understand that situation, but a lot of people don't.

[Cheesecan]

If you ever happen to find yourself in a committed relationship where the other part is making ultimatums, pack your bags and leave.

[Wombat]

pack your bags and leave.

how about

[SinbadEV]

If you ever happen to find yourself in a committed relationship where the other part is making ultimatums, pack your bags and leave.

Bah... I make ultimatums all the time... they just backfire and end up with me in the metaphorical dog house... so I've learned not to do it... anyway, bargaining works better.

[KaiserJ]

scratch don't worry about nines and sixes and etc etc

sounds like you're really just overanalyzing; theres not much to any of this except for slowly building up your confidence

talk to girls; be friendly, get used to the idea of chatting with strangers.

i mean, its hard to advise, because you want to get laid, AND you wouldn't mind a girlfriend... so its not really in your best interest to set out with a specific plan in mind

you wanted a spring analogy? play it like porc ffa. don't overcommit to anything, keep your options open, make sure you are reactive to interaction but at the same time don't spread yourself thin too early and get blindsided; when the time is right, enter (their base) from behind

but yeah. baby steps. even if you go out today, hold a door for a pretty girl and give her a smile, you've basically put a cookie in the bank to give her a wave later, and possible even say hello at some point after that.

one other thing... if you're a hulking muscular brute, don't be afraid to show your funny/friendly side. people can be very intimidated by looks, and although maybe a girl would think you were handsome, she also might be a bit afraid.

[PicassoCT]

and now for some ice-water.

If you meet a girl, try to imagine the worst of outcomes. What if she turns out to be a foaming religious fanatic, beeing reborn like a steelminded terminator just after you had two children with her? What if she leaves you, taking your children with you to get brainwashed? Go through all those what ifs, before you talk to someone-
nice looks, and seemingly nice charakter- that cant be enough, youve got to be carefull man, after all, if the lovebuff overflow gets going, your logic will be disabled for quite some time, think ahead of the catastrophys that might come out of this. Look around for the bad examples... what if she is a alcoholic? If she is cleptomanic? Depressiv?
Just dont ruin your life for a nice smile and some company.

[KaiserJ]

yeah do what picasso said if you want to be forever alone

if you're projecting negative stuff like that onto women you don't know, you're selling them short preemptively. everyone has faults; the whole point of dating is to discover stuff about someone else, and to find out if you're compatible with somebody. by imagining the worst possible scenario you leave yourself with no hope whatsoever.

[Neddie]

I'm mostly responding to Swift's long post on page four here, as I disagree with much of what he has said yet agree with some key concepts.

My contrasting advice would be;

1. Don't search for a person to fill a predefined role. Relationships are organic and people differ, if your goal is static like marriage or sexual fulfillment you'll be missing most of what the people you encounter have to offer. While there are visible archetypal roles, they are given definition primarily through cultural dogma rather than functionality and there is great internal variance between them.

2. Pair your mind with your heart. Your conscious capacity for rationality is extremely limited, and it has been proven over and over in psychological research that when you consciously focus upon and pursue a decision to a particular problem, you'll usually make a poor decision. Your subconscious mind processes orders of magnitude more information in any period of time than your conscious mind could ever hope to. That said, not all emotional impulses are equal. Employ your rationality to observe and regulate your senses and feelings, and use your feelings to direct your rational consideration.

Emotions don't lie to you, you often misinterpret them. When you feel an impulse to eat more chocolate or drink another beer this isn't deceptive or even irrational - there are psychological cues which prompt this feeling, as well as physical responses which support it. It is much the same with the emotions evoked in interaction with others; if you feel an immediate attraction to somebody, it could as easily be a response to a physical movement or an aesthetic element as much as it could be something more. You have to exercise your judgment and attempt to understand both your emotions and the factors which cause them to manifest.

3. Love takes connection and exchange to develop. It does not manifest in a vacuum, nor does a healthy relationship. Some people you meet might be compatible with you over the course of days, some might be compatible with you over the course of years. Most will never been romantically compatible with you, though many of these will either be interesting to you, or harbor interests of their own. Good relationships take work and compromise at times, but in pursuit of mutual goals or directed by shared impulses. There are going to be differences between the thoughts, beliefs and feelings of you and your partner - these differences are crucial because a certain amount of friction and contrast improves both of you.

4. The importance of ideology varies relative to the participants in a relationship as well as cultural context. A romance is little different from any other sort of interaction in this manner - if I hold a strong view and another person holds a strong opposing view this is a point of contention. It might be minor, if neither of us are vocal about it and it is isolated. It might be major if we are actively promoting it, or if it is connected to many of our other beliefs. If we are always in conflict, it is unlikely a close bond will develop, but if it does then we will probably be stronger for it.

~

There isn't a set of simple rules which govern human behaviour and interaction, these are just general pieces of advice. Your experience will be shaped by your behaviour and your situation.

[smoth]

I think we've heard the full autobiography of your relationship with panda a sufficent number of times

Hardly, I refuse to post the saucy detailz

[SwiftSpear]

4. The importance of ideology varies relative to the participants in a relationship as well as cultural context. A romance is little different from any other sort of interaction in this manner - if I hold a strong view and another person holds a strong opposing view this is a point of contention. It might be minor, if neither of us are vocal about it and it is isolated. It might be major if we are actively promoting it, or if it is connected to many of our other beliefs. If we are always in conflict, it is unlikely a close bond will develop, but if it does then we will probably be stronger for it.

I actually agree with most of everything else you said, I agree with this too, however, I think you mistake Ideology and Religion for the same thing. My girlfriend is a bit of a hippy when it comes to animal rights and stuff like that. I grew up exposed to wilderness and survivalist types, and as such, I understood the appeal of activities like hunting and what not. My Girlfriend however was really against the idea of ever doing something like that, and didn't want me to participate in it either, although it's something that sounds fun to me. That's an ideological difference, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having those kinds of differences in a relationship.

Religious differences are different. Religion guides not only how you choose to live your life, but what you believe is the reason for your life, and what you ultimately want to accomplish with your existence. Buddhists want to escape attachment, Muslims want to live a life of obedience, Christians want to become Christlike.

The reason I say it's different is that religion is the kind of thing, as long as you hold that belief you will be pulled in that direction your whole life. For many people, religion is even a bigger thing than marriage or a spouse. If that person pulls in an opposite direction it's going to cause you nothing but stress. You'll resent them for the things they expose your children to, you'll resent them from holding you back from your dreams and aspirations, and you'll constantly have that monkey on your back on that one vital thing you just can't agree on.

It's fine if one member of a relationship is a republican and the other a democrat, but religious differences are different. There is common ground to be found between many religions, and that can be attractive, but if you're really committed to your religion it's best to just not play with fire. Your romantic partner is going to be the hardest person in your life to have that level of disagreement with. That's the one person you want to give everything to and share everything with.

[scrotum]

ok some of you have no experience with religion. Girls at church are no different than anywhere else in real life. In many ways church is worse, because of the hypocrisy.

originally this way of thinking stopped me from looking inside church, then my brother came home with one from church and they bang every day.

you have to realize 95% of the church population doesn't know what the bible says, and the other 5% interpret it their own way or don't understand it anyway. Young people, especially women, don't have much interest in the book.

they believe the stuff and they don't want to go to a bar or club to meet. no different, only another place to look. and your beliefs won't seem as crazy as they would if I told a potential that I believed in the second coming. and the black horse of revelation. that kind of talk does not go over well with non-church girls

as for fornication though, it seems they haven't read that part or conveniently ignore it just like I do

[scrotum]

scratch don't worry about nines and sixes and etc etc

sounds like you're really just overanalyzing; theres not much to any of this except for slowly building up your confidence

talk to girls; be friendly, get used to the idea of chatting with strangers.

i mean, its hard to advise, because you want to get laid, AND you wouldn't mind a girlfriend... so its not really in your best interest to set out with a specific plan in mind

you wanted a spring analogy? play it like porc ffa. don't overcommit to anything, keep your options open, make sure you are reactive to interaction but at the same time don't spread yourself thin too early and get blindsided; when the time is right, enter (their base) from behind

but yeah. baby steps. even if you go out today, hold a door for a pretty girl and give her a smile, you've basically put a cookie in the bank to give her a wave later, and possible even say hello at some point after that.

one other thing... if you're a hulking muscular brute, don't be afraid to show your funny/friendly side. people can be very intimidated by looks, and although maybe a girl would think you were handsome, she also might be a bit afraid.

part of my problem seems to be that I have become anti social, though its hard to admit. my social life consisted of spring for a long time.

[hoijui]

There isn't a set of simple rules which govern human behaviour and interaction

this, though it is still making it look too simple, as there is also the environment that matters. in short: in real life, there are no general simple rules, except this one.

[SpikedHelmet]

1) get invited to a low-key party, 20 people tops
2) get drunk
3) talk to hot chick
4) ??? (blackout)
5) wake up in bed with her next day
6) make her breakfast
7) profit

jeez I'm a fat slovenly hunk of shit with mental problems and shit, if I can get a girl anyone can.

[Wombat]

1) get invited to a low-key party, 20 people tops
2) get drunk
3) talk to hot chick
4) ??? (blackout)
5) wake up in bed with another men
6) profit?

sounds bit risky imo. whats the point of doing the chick if u remember shit :D

[Johannes]

It's profit only if the girl is the one making breakfast for you

[MidKnight]

You appear to be conflicted regarding your religion and your peers' attitude toward it. It may be good for you to think some more about what you believe in and settle on a strong set of guiding principles.

Keep in mind that following the same religion doesn't necessarily mean believing the same things.

One other thing to keep in mind is that people in different places are different. Your churchgoing peers behavior might not reflect the attitude of other peoples'.

[Wombat]

religion.