Quantum Leap

[Caydr]

I've made a quantum leap in practical insult technology.

At the beginning of time, there was man, and woman. And things were good.

Then the woman was foolish and got man kicked out of Eden. Adam was pissed. "Dumb!!!" he shouted!

Eve, no doubt shocked at Adam's ingenuity, went into hiding until such a time as she could create an effective retort. Finally, after 700 billion years, her scientists had devised the Ultimate Comeback. And she strode onto the battlefield confidently, awash in an air of confidence. (I think it was confidence, but she was also alone without a man for a long time, so it's debatable.)

Adam, living as a king in his monkey paradise, saw her approach. He knew his time of supremacy was probably drawing to a close.

Still somewhat heartened by his memory of "Dumb!"'s previous victory over the evil insect overlord Eve, he strode onto the battlefield armed with what was once a superior insult.

But little did he know of the effect, the demoralizing shockwave of... boomloaf that this would cause. And stuff. So they approached, had about 70 children in the space of an hour, and then got down to the serious business.

Adam uttered his Word. "Dumb!"

Visibly shaken, it took everything in Eve's strength to remain standing. Until.....

"ASS!!!"

Adam was suddenly standing with his mouth agape and an overall shocked expression on his face. He nearly turned to ash, but instead had explosive diarrhea. He fled the battlefield in shame, never to return.

Then Eve gave birth to 70 puppies and died from, let's say, malaria.

Advance 5000 years. "Beavis and Butthead" creator Mike Judge causes the next revolution in insultation technology by carefully fusing the Great Insults into one Really Super Instult: "Dumbass".

And things were good. A few people had explosive diarrhea, but for entirely different reasons. People had gotten used to insults mostly, but were still secretly shocked by this new insult's devastating effectiveness.

A closed-door session of Congress was held. "Something has to be done!" said Tony Blair. "Earth will be devastated if this insult technology falls into the wrong hands!"

Suddenly, the Japanese bombed pearl harbour, and Mike Judge was killed in the blast. But over the course of the next 600 years the fragmented pieces of his Super Insult were collected and rebuilt. Finally, in the year 2000, the power of the insult was used by the Egyptians (secret rulers of the world) to stabilize the world's economy in wake of the devastating effects of the year 2000 bug.

Its power largely consumed by this operation, it has fallen into commmon use today with its effectiveness gradually decreasing with use.

Until now. In modern times, it is utterly useless.

But now, at the dawn of the third age of mankind, the last, best hope for insultation technology was secretly placed in my hands by the Shinari, from the planet Borg.

After the release of my new "Asshat" insult in 1720, the galaxy knew peace. But a new threat was brewing! The Roswell aliens discovered in 2020 to be controlling the government were using cloaking devices that rendered Asshat ineffective in battlefield situations. Finally, with only a handful of humans left alive, one of whom is totally hot and digs me, I have created the next Great Insult.

Following past advances in the field, I have combined the past Great Insults into one final, great insult to end all insults.

Because the Dargslan invasion has rendered my direct communication with the President of the Eastern Coalition borked, I release this to the world. I know not what effect it might have, but things can't possibly get any worse.

Spread the word. And the word is........


Dumbasshat

[FizWizz]

0mfgwtfhs0bggn0rebbqwbglhfquackl0l0l0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111oneone

fool! By your contempt for the potency of insult, not only have you damned us, but you have damned all of humanity to a hopeless cycle of hatred and strife fueled by ever more powerful insults until mankind spiral downwards into Oblivion.

[Maelstrom]

indeed.

[AF]

Poison cookies thou hast eaten!

[smokingwreckage]

Every time I try to read the insult at the bottom of Caydr's post, I crap myself explosively. Can someone tell me what it is, lest I once more unleash its malignant, vengeful magic upon myself?

Or should I just respond with a peewee rush? That works for everything else.....