I've gotta bitch about this somewhere, and blogs are for fags, so... I'd warn of spoilers, but there's nothing to spoil.
This movie is garbage. I wasn't expecting a lot, since it was the big-budget hollywood summer blockbuster, and they're generally crap. But what I wasn't expecting was the "humour" that was aimed at slackjawed morons who'd laugh at a guy bumping his head. "LOL he hit his head five stars!!!!11" Just an example.
Here's some examples:
A dog pees on the robot's leg. Oh, ha ha, get it, he thought it was a tree! Oh my! The robot, in a "hi-larious" rage, tries to kill the dog, complaining that now he's going to rust! Ha ha ha, mercy...
A ten minute long scene of parents having a "comical" argument about their son locking his room. Meanwhile the robots are in the yard demonstrating their space-age technology by getting clotheslined by power lines and falling over themselves. Then they start going into contortions, with "laugh out loud" poses as they try to avoid being seen by the parents. Then there's the "fall out of your seat laughing" moment when the dad sees what they've done to his yard! Oh the jest.
The super hilarous bits the mainstream reviewers fell in love with are juvenile to an insulting degree. There wasn't a single giggle or grin in this whole thing. The robots spend the whole movie goofing off at every opportunity. The problem is, it's just not funny. It wouldn't have been funny in the 60's. There's a difference between funny and stupid, and this is definitely the latter.
It's not that I wanted an action movie and was disappointed by all the jokes, the problem is that all these "sidesplitting jokes" ruined the mood completely.
The second show-stopper was the cookie-cutter characters. Let me list them off for you:
-The Uptight Parent With A Fork Up His Ass who is really irresponsible when he's not being watched
-The Old Hag Mother with a whine-voice whose anus you'd like to probe with a steel-toed boot, who is bewildered by teenagers but tries unsuccessfully to hide it
-The Loser Male Lead Character Who Is Uncomfortable Around Girls and stammers a lot when trying to make conversation, with the wrong words coming out to "much comedic effect" . . . "I'd like to drive you toni --- I mean, I'd like to drive you home tonight! I mean, can I ride you tonigh.... give you a ride home? Can I violently rape--- I mean, let's have sex? I mean, no, like, just as friends? Because we're just friends. If you want us to be! But if you want us to be more, HELL YES! Er, I mean, you know, if you wanna have nasty secks, whatever you want, you know? Because I'm horny. UHH No I mean, not that we'd do that, because we're just friends! IF YOU WANT US TO BE!!!!4 heh heh heh heh......" ... who gets the girl in the end.
-The girl who is somehow involved with the Asshole Jock, but ditches him just in time to be picked up by aforementioned Loser. But who is really not as shallow as she at first seems, because she had childhood issues and she's really strong on the inside!
-The Asshole Jock who exists only to be enough of an asshole to drive aforemeioned girl into twice-aforementioned Loser's arms
-The Super-Patriotic American Average Joe Soldier Who Only Thinks Of Duty Although He Has A Wife And Kids Back Home That He Hasn't Seen For Ages, But That Doesn't Bother Him Because His Country Needs Him. goarmy.com.
-The Asshole Government Agent Who Gets Humbled By The Main Character
-The Smart Hacker Girl Who Gets Ignored When She Tries To Warn That The Sky Is Falling, Only To Be Recruited Later By Fork-Removed Government Agents
-The Head Honcho Who Exists Only To Shout "Status Report!" And State The Obvious In Case There's A Redneck Watching Who Doesn't Know An Explosion Indicates Something's Going Wrong
-The Dishonest Used Car Guy
-The Token Fat Black Guy Who's A Coward And Who Starts Shouting About Harassment And Racism And "I Want My Lawyer!" When He Gets Busted
What else, what else... Thankfully the movie doesn't involve the word "Energon", but does involve a cube.
Oh yeah, the part I hated most is probably the rampant propaganda and product placement. The product placement doesn't just end at the cars as you'd expect, oh no, there's ebay, paypal, etc etc. I was expecting someone to walk onto the scene and say "Yeah, that's right - my shoes are Vintage 2007. Nike: JUST DO IT.
As for the propaganda, from the top:
-The movie begins in the middle east, where some American soldiers are stationed. The locals are in love with them, seriously. The one guy is about to tussle some local kid's head and tell him "Jonny, if you're good and eat all your vegetables, one day you can be an american too." but gets interrupted.
-The movie repeatedly beats the "freedom and liberty" horse until it's a fine paste. Very coincidentally, the autobots make mention several times about how it's "their responsibility" to help the humans to overcome the evil oppressors they're being conquered by, since they're so inferior and helpless.
-HOWEVER! There's a conflict of interest with that point and the next point the movie makes: America is great and can overcome anything - namely, giant robots. If the autobots hadn't shown up, all it would've taken is two or three more inspirational speeches by important people and we could've probably beaten the decepticons without breaking a sweat. By the end of the movie, you wonder why the autobots are even there. While the autobots do their ninja fighting, the Average Joe Noble Infantryman squad just laser paints their target and boom, here comes the good guys in jets.
The entire movie is filled with this kind of pro-america crap. It's so thick I was rolling my eyes... Constant shots of the mighty american military overcoming all odds, and so on... The decepticons get their asses kicked, and not by some all-out assault either. Oh no, it takes about 6 fighter jets and then they all decide to give up. Hardly a scene went by without a billion-years-advanced robot getting its butt handed to itself by a paltry few army-of-one types... I think in the credits it said something about buying war bonds to keep our boys firing.
Also, about 95% of the scenes are shot at either sunrise or sunset, since that makes things more dramatic and interesting. Without even trying, I also noticed two instances of re-used footage.
The robots have three personalities: The goof-off, which is the default personality, the "thinking" personality in which they show more emotion than the two lead characters (which an average brick is capable of beating anyway), and the selfless hero personality. Selfless hero's especially my favourite. Like at the end, when one of the good robots die, Prime says basically "Shucks. Well, life goes on."
I'm not going to start on the story, since you don't expect a story from an action movie, and I dare not suggest throwing money and CGI at a problem doesn't solve everything. With a little less advanced computer animation, you'd expect to see something of this quality this on youtube.
I hate Hollywood. Only Hollywood could make a movie about dozens of 20-meter tall robots fighting BORING. If you thought Star Wars 1-3 were a mess of "CGI graphics = excellent movie. BTW what's a script?", just wait until you see this. It's a 2.5 hour commercial for muscle cars and the american military.
Edit: AND ONE MORE THING! What's with 2/3 of the characters being done by well-known actors? There was a cameo by just about everyone who's been in a movie or TV show in the last 20 years.
The is the movie equivalent to one of those really bad games where it's made for people between the ages of 8 and 14, but the content is suited to people ages 14+, meaning it's in the uncomfortable position of being too mature for the immature and too immature for the mature.
Anyone who liked "Transformers" should be eutheniz
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i liked that there was finally a movie where the army isnt completly stupid but actually manages to destroy something with their gunships and stuff.
(when the A-10s were flying towards the robot I was thinking "oh, now they will for some reason be unable to hit him although they usually kill tanks that are only 1/10 the size or they will just crash or something")
(when the A-10s were flying towards the robot I was thinking "oh, now they will for some reason be unable to hit him although they usually kill tanks that are only 1/10 the size or they will just crash or something")
also starscream vs the f-18's(or f22's tbh cant remember excatly atm) in the air was quite a pwnage action scene
next film needs moa starscream didnt hear enuff od his annoying voice and he didnt try to over throw megatron which was weird... highly possible that the 15th incarnation of galvatron is destined to happen bleh
dinobots cos grimlock is king..
SOUNDWAVE!!!!
and i bet they leave unicron to the last film (tis set to be a trilogy)
next film needs moa starscream didnt hear enuff od his annoying voice and he didnt try to over throw megatron which was weird... highly possible that the 15th incarnation of galvatron is destined to happen bleh
dinobots cos grimlock is king..
SOUNDWAVE!!!!
and i bet they leave unicron to the last film (tis set to be a trilogy)
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MightySheep
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- Joined: 11 Nov 2007, 02:17
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KingRaptor
- Zero-K Developer
- Posts: 838
- Joined: 14 Mar 2007, 03:44
Hoy hoy, I wasted two and a half hours of my life on this movie, I felt like wasting another fifteen so I could complain.
Maybe I'd save someone from seeing it?
WAIT, I'VE GOT IT NOW!!!
The reason I'm so disproportionately angry about this movie is the fact that I bought it based on word of mouth that it was at somewhere between "decent" and "awesome-tacular". So when it went on sale, I bought it right away for $25 or something. You know what that means? I literally worked about 5 hours for this thing. 2 for the pay it took to buy it, 2.75 for the time it took to watch it, and another 0.25 to come here and whine about it.
I feel like sending them a bill. I'll include the charge for a new sofa, as I can never fully enjoy a movie in that chair again now.
Maybe I'd save someone from seeing it?
WAIT, I'VE GOT IT NOW!!!
The reason I'm so disproportionately angry about this movie is the fact that I bought it based on word of mouth that it was at somewhere between "decent" and "awesome-tacular". So when it went on sale, I bought it right away for $25 or something. You know what that means? I literally worked about 5 hours for this thing. 2 for the pay it took to buy it, 2.75 for the time it took to watch it, and another 0.25 to come here and whine about it.
I feel like sending them a bill. I'll include the charge for a new sofa, as I can never fully enjoy a movie in that chair again now.
