Good news for all the people who asked what the hell Anna Hellborn was anyway!
Anna is a Variant, a genetically engineered branch off of humanity. Basically, a E.L.F but without the cybernetics.
Oh and Anna no longer has the stealth field generator, as it only showed up once and was only a (bad) excuse to get Jimmy injected with nano-bots...which is no longer vital (or sense making) to the story, so I just got rid of the stealth generator entirely.
But Anna still needs cool gadgets, right? So I've given her two guns...guns that'll have names as soon as I think of them. One is a four barreled automatic and the other is a revolver that fires big, specially made bullets. Like the Hellboy gun, but slightly smaller and less magical.
Oh and Anna has a hacker. Everyone needs a pocket hacker, reachable by cell phone. Like Ed in Cowboy Bebop, or...Ed in Cowboy Bebop. I can't seem to think of any more hackers reachable by cell phone than Ed. Or that guy from the Matrix, but everyone hates that guy.
E.L.F
Moderator: Moderators
Re-write update.
I am done.
That's right. You heard me! F-ing DONE!
Fhew. Does anyone care? Probably not. But I still feel like saying something. The new E.L.F has increased the word count by 29,000 words, two characters have been dropped, one added, Hir is more evil, the ending is better, there is less retarded plot holes and there is a Total Annihilation reference at page 177.
And so, I'm tired, I'm delirious, and I'm sleepy. So if anyone wants to troll or at least congratulate me, please...say so now.
I am done.
That's right. You heard me! F-ing DONE!
Fhew. Does anyone care? Probably not. But I still feel like saying something. The new E.L.F has increased the word count by 29,000 words, two characters have been dropped, one added, Hir is more evil, the ending is better, there is less retarded plot holes and there is a Total Annihilation reference at page 177.
And so, I'm tired, I'm delirious, and I'm sleepy. So if anyone wants to troll or at least congratulate me, please...say so now.
-
Archangel of Death
- Posts: 854
- Joined: 28 Jan 2005, 18:15
Well, because I have been swayed by imaginary money, and the fact that Archangel who hasn't shown up in a while, has spoken, I'll put up the first five pages as a teeeaseeeer traaailer!
Though the following things have been cut:
Super strength.
Sparrow
Metch.
Ambassador Jorquin
The lack of sex
Jack's death
Udo's death
The Forget
The following has been added:
Edward De-Poupilon Strugatsky the Fourth. Ed for short.
Jives
The Slayer
An ending that makes f<bleep>ing sense.
Sex
Hover Rolls Royce
More detail about the Yetel, the Tettclickclick, the Arachnos and pretty much everyone else.
Hir being even more of an evil bastard.
The fact that Hir and Udo are brothers (so that's why they share the attraction to human females)
Ed being Anna and Udo's adoptive daughter. (WTF?)
Gun battles. More gun battles.
Wacky foreshadowing through use of the Terminator.
More Serenity references.
The Tettclickclick hat gun.
A flame thrower.
Anna's revolver, which is modeled off of Hellboy's gun, which is modeled off of the Raging Bull. Except mine fires maaagical bullets.
------------
Now, the first five pages:
Chapter One: Earth
├óÔé¼┼ôHey...Jimmy, have you ever heard of Earth?├óÔé¼┬Ø
Jimmy stood, holding a Ought 432 Three Vee Audio computer card that he had freed from its watery grave. Murky brown water and bits of green ooze dribbled off of it, leaving its corroded wires dangling from its sides. Jimmy scowled when he saw it's connector prong was ruined, making it worthless on the open market. He threw it back in the pile and turned to Pix.
├óÔé¼┼ôNo.├óÔé¼┬Ø He said, taking a moment to straighten his cap. ├óÔé¼┼ôWhy?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWell,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, resting her back against the wall, arms crossed over her chest, one hand holding a glow-light that added to the yellow ambient light that splashed over the grime encrusted walls of the compactor, the other hand holding a bag, emblazoned with a ISK sign, containing the valuable trash they had collected thus far: Zilch. ├óÔé¼┼ôI heard your dad and mom talk about it on the phone..├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWhen?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy turned back to his work.
├óÔé¼┼ôLast night.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôYou were listening?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy squinted at Pix, half stooped to grab another possible treasure.
├óÔé¼┼ôPfft.├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix waved the hand with the glow-light loftily in the air, making the shadows bounce dizzily. ├óÔé¼┼ôAs if you don't.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWell...I didn't hear anything about it.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy pulled out a large bit of tubing and dropped it in the water next to him. Droplets splattered against his jacket, invisible against the black leather.
Pix stuck her tongue out at him. ├óÔé¼┼ôThat's because I have better ears then you.├óÔé¼┬Ø She ran her fingers through her bubble gum pink hair, pausing at one of the two antenna that jutted out of her skull. Rabbit ears.
├óÔé¼┼ôAs if. You're just closer to the door.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôNo, you're just jealous.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôAm not.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy kicked at the central trash pile, sending the upper layer scattering into the water. Underneath was a mass of gunk that Jimmy scowled at. Grabbing a squeegee from his back pocket, he started scraping the gunk carefully off, revealing more computer parts, most horribly damaged from their trip through Harbinger's trash and sewage system. Jimmy started tossing the valueless one's over his shoulder.
Pix stepped to the side to avoid stray bits of garbage. She frowned. ├óÔé¼┼ôBut...do you know anything about Earth?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôI already said, no!├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy said, pulling out a very very long strip of Video-Smooth wallpaper. He held both ends with his hands, stretching his arms to draw it taught. A video image of a muscled human flexing said muscles and being fawned on by lots of scantily dressed women started dancing around him while music started to play.
├óÔé¼┼ô-I come <static> he morning lig<static>her says <static>onna live your life right?"
Oh, mother,dear,<static>
├óÔé¼┼ôOoh, nice,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix murmured as Jimmy found the mute button.
Jimmy looked at her, mock indignation on his face. He rolled the paper up, carefully, and handed it to her. She slid it into the bag.
├óÔé¼┼ôWant to check on Shipweb?├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix asked.
├óÔé¼┼ôCheck what?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôAbout Earth, you silly man.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôOh...well, you're the one with the antennas.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy shrugged.
├óÔé¼┼ôHey!├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix clapped her hands over her antenna. ├óÔé¼┼ôI like these.├óÔé¼┬Ø
Jimmy turned back to the trash and muttered. ├óÔé¼┼ôSo do I.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWhat was that?├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix asked, putting a hand to her ear and cocking her head
├óÔé¼┼ôI said, why don't you use them!├óÔé¼┬Ø
Pix mouthed the words ├óÔé¼┼ôWhy don't you use them├óÔé¼┬Ø as she twiddled with her left antenna, then her right antenna. Electricity sparked between them with a soft fizzit sound. Pix jumped. Jimmy kept digging through the trash. A minute later and Pix's eyes went wide. She clapped her hands over her antenna, breaking the connection.
├óÔé¼┼ôUgh! The closest thing I got was a really nasty looking Arachnos webpage.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôHow nasty?├óÔé¼┬Ø
Pix looked a little green. ├óÔé¼┼ôTwenty one and up nasty.├óÔé¼┬Ø
Jimmy turned back to the pile of trash. He pulled out an ill-defined hunk of garbage, dribbling brownish ooze, much like the ooze he had scraped off the rest of the pile with his squeegee. ├óÔé¼┼ôThat's pretty nasty.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôNastier then what you got there...what do you got there?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôI...├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy trailed off. He ran his gloved thumb over the edge of the dripping brown thing he'd pulled out of the pile. A greenish, crystal threaded through with thousands lines of pure light shone through. Jimmy frowned, cleaning the entire thing off on the palm of his glove. He hefted the crystal in one hand, watching the way the light refracted and warped through it. It wasn't cracked, or jagged or anything. It was...perfect.
├óÔé¼┼ôHey...check this out Pix!├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy tossed the crystal through the air in an arch. It flashed at the apex of it's flight like a star. Not that Jimmy or Pix had ever seen a star, or a window for that matter.
├óÔé¼┼ôWhoa,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix murmured, looking at the crystal. She held up to her glow light, letting the glow-light refract through it. Dots of green light traces across her face and she winces as one gets in her eye. ├óÔé¼┼ôThis looks...perfect.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôIs it clean?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jinmy asked.
├óÔé¼┼ôAs clean as can be in..uh...in a trash compactor.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôNo! Does it have things on it.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy wiggled his fingers. ├óÔé¼┼ôInside and everything.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôOoooh right,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, pulling the side of her shirt up. Jimmy caught a glimpse of skin before Pix slid the crystal into the ring shaped intake/outtake port jutting out from below her ribs, right above her right hip. The port whirred, assessing the crystal. ├óÔé¼┼ôNo...no, it's got data. A lot of data.├óÔé¼┬Ø Her brow furrowed. ├óÔé¼┼ôA lot of encrypted data.├óÔé¼┬Ø
Jimmy chewed his lip. ├óÔé¼┼ôIf we could read it...├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôThen we could sell it!├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix finished his sentence for him. She danced a victory dance; her shoes splashed water around and sent a computer part flying.
├óÔé¼┼ôGood thinking.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy grinned. ├óÔé¼┼ôThough, I think we should check with Dad first.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôOh come on, we found it.├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix pulled the crystal out of her I/O port and waved it at him like a magic wand. ├óÔé¼┼ôThe Uppers saw fit to throw away a perfectly good DC, why should we make the same mistake?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôI didn't say we should give it to dad. We should just...ask him about it.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy turned back to the pile.
Pix shrugged and slid the crystal back into her port with a soft chink. Pausing to run her finger along the edge where living flesh met cold metal, Pix smiled a little guiltily.
Jimmy turned back, holding a shiney silver computer chip. Pix jerked her hand away from her port, blushing. Jimmy didn't notice, turning the part over in his hands.
├óÔé¼┼ôThis'll do,├óÔé¼┬Ø He said, tossing it to Pix. She caught it and slid it into the bag. They worked in silence for a moment...before Pix's ears twitched, hearing something. She turned, slowly, and something move in the dark upper right corner of the compactor. She walked slowly to it.
├óÔé¼┼ôHey, think this is good?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy asked, holding up a bundle of wires. ├óÔé¼┼ôPix?├óÔé¼┬Ø
Pix held the glow lamp up to the corner and revealed a very dusty security camera. The camera lenses whirred, focusing on Pix's face. Pix stared back, her eyes whirring softly.
├óÔé¼┼ôWhat is it?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy asked, slogging over to the camera.
├óÔé¼┼ôIt's a camera,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, looking at him. She looked as shocked as he'd ever seen her. ├óÔé¼┼ôI've never seen a camera down here. Not a working one at least.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôCool.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy leaned close to the camera. It panned from him to Pix, then to Pix's side. Pix looked at herself and saw her I/O port sticking out from under her shirt. She hastily adjusted her shirt, but it was too late. The camera turned back to Jimmy. A distant groan and shudder went through the entire room, sending ripples through the water and scattering trash down the central pile.
├óÔé¼┼ôWhat was that?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy asked, looking around. ├óÔé¼┼ôThis thing is off right?├óÔé¼┬Ø
A warning light by the door flashed on, yellow, then red, then yellow again and a klaxon, long out of use, started to wail. The entire room shuddered again, a loud groaning sound filling the air.
├óÔé¼┼ôThat answer you question!├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix shouted, grabbing Jimmy's arm and running to the exit, their boots sending water spraying.
The walls shuddered for a final time, then slammed forward, sending water flying inward.
Pix and Jimmy ran for the door, slogging frantically through the water and trash, the camera sliding backwards into a niche in the wall to avoid their fate. The walls jerked faster, their aged motors picking up speed. Pix shot out the door a moment before Jimmy. Jimmy put on a last burst of speed and cleared the door. The walls slammed shut behind him. Jimmy felt his jacket tug on him, hard enough to squeeze the air of him.
Jimmy wheezed, leaning against the now closed door. His arms felt as if they had been almost wrenched out of their sockets by his sleeves.
├óÔé¼┼ôJimmy!├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix cried, running forward. ├óÔé¼┼ôAre you okay?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôMy...jacket's caught,├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy groaned, sliding his arms out of the jacket and stepping forward. He turned around and saw that the jacket's back had been caught between the compactor's walls, which had sealed together to block off the doorway. If he had been a second slower...he was distracted from the grisly train of thought by Pix hugging him.
├óÔé¼┼ôNever do that again. I thought you had got an arm crushed off, or worse,├óÔé¼┬Ø She murmured.
├óÔé¼┼ôI think I'd be a bit less calm if I had done that,├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy said, not that he felt particularly calm at the moment. His knees were shaking, knocking together once every few moments. But he was calm enough to notice how close Pix was...
├óÔé¼┼ôStupid Uppers,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix muttered, let go of Jimmy, to his disappointment. She shook her fist at the ceiling. ├óÔé¼┼ôI bet you forgot we live down here, didn't you!├óÔé¼┬Ø
Her words bounced down the hallway, unheard by any but them, a few inoperable security cameras and piles upon piles of trash that accumulated in the deliberately shut down compactors.
Jimmy felt this throat go dry as he realized that no other compactors were lurching to unwanted life. No one...but the one he and Pix had been in. He gulped. ├óÔé¼┼ôSo that's what it feels like when someone walks over your grave.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWho walked over the what now?├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix asked.
├óÔé¼┼ôIt was something Dad said...long time ago.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy shivered. Then. ├óÔé¼┼ôOh sewage! The crystal!├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôI got it, right here,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, smiling. She waved the crystal under Jimmy's nose, the glow-light refracting through it and dazzling his eyes. ├óÔé¼┼ôThough I notice that you're more worried about that than about me.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWorried about you?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy squawked. ├óÔé¼┼ôYou got out first!├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôJealousy, jealousy, jealousy,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, walking down the hall, dragging Jimmy with her.
Though the following things have been cut:
Super strength.
Sparrow
Metch.
Ambassador Jorquin
The lack of sex
Jack's death
Udo's death
The Forget
The following has been added:
Edward De-Poupilon Strugatsky the Fourth. Ed for short.
Jives
The Slayer
An ending that makes f<bleep>ing sense.
Sex
Hover Rolls Royce
More detail about the Yetel, the Tettclickclick, the Arachnos and pretty much everyone else.
Hir being even more of an evil bastard.
The fact that Hir and Udo are brothers (so that's why they share the attraction to human females)
Ed being Anna and Udo's adoptive daughter. (WTF?)
Gun battles. More gun battles.
Wacky foreshadowing through use of the Terminator.
More Serenity references.
The Tettclickclick hat gun.
A flame thrower.
Anna's revolver, which is modeled off of Hellboy's gun, which is modeled off of the Raging Bull. Except mine fires maaagical bullets.
------------
Now, the first five pages:
Chapter One: Earth
├óÔé¼┼ôHey...Jimmy, have you ever heard of Earth?├óÔé¼┬Ø
Jimmy stood, holding a Ought 432 Three Vee Audio computer card that he had freed from its watery grave. Murky brown water and bits of green ooze dribbled off of it, leaving its corroded wires dangling from its sides. Jimmy scowled when he saw it's connector prong was ruined, making it worthless on the open market. He threw it back in the pile and turned to Pix.
├óÔé¼┼ôNo.├óÔé¼┬Ø He said, taking a moment to straighten his cap. ├óÔé¼┼ôWhy?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWell,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, resting her back against the wall, arms crossed over her chest, one hand holding a glow-light that added to the yellow ambient light that splashed over the grime encrusted walls of the compactor, the other hand holding a bag, emblazoned with a ISK sign, containing the valuable trash they had collected thus far: Zilch. ├óÔé¼┼ôI heard your dad and mom talk about it on the phone..├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWhen?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy turned back to his work.
├óÔé¼┼ôLast night.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôYou were listening?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy squinted at Pix, half stooped to grab another possible treasure.
├óÔé¼┼ôPfft.├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix waved the hand with the glow-light loftily in the air, making the shadows bounce dizzily. ├óÔé¼┼ôAs if you don't.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWell...I didn't hear anything about it.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy pulled out a large bit of tubing and dropped it in the water next to him. Droplets splattered against his jacket, invisible against the black leather.
Pix stuck her tongue out at him. ├óÔé¼┼ôThat's because I have better ears then you.├óÔé¼┬Ø She ran her fingers through her bubble gum pink hair, pausing at one of the two antenna that jutted out of her skull. Rabbit ears.
├óÔé¼┼ôAs if. You're just closer to the door.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôNo, you're just jealous.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôAm not.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy kicked at the central trash pile, sending the upper layer scattering into the water. Underneath was a mass of gunk that Jimmy scowled at. Grabbing a squeegee from his back pocket, he started scraping the gunk carefully off, revealing more computer parts, most horribly damaged from their trip through Harbinger's trash and sewage system. Jimmy started tossing the valueless one's over his shoulder.
Pix stepped to the side to avoid stray bits of garbage. She frowned. ├óÔé¼┼ôBut...do you know anything about Earth?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôI already said, no!├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy said, pulling out a very very long strip of Video-Smooth wallpaper. He held both ends with his hands, stretching his arms to draw it taught. A video image of a muscled human flexing said muscles and being fawned on by lots of scantily dressed women started dancing around him while music started to play.
├óÔé¼┼ô-I come <static> he morning lig<static>her says <static>onna live your life right?"
Oh, mother,dear,<static>
├óÔé¼┼ôOoh, nice,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix murmured as Jimmy found the mute button.
Jimmy looked at her, mock indignation on his face. He rolled the paper up, carefully, and handed it to her. She slid it into the bag.
├óÔé¼┼ôWant to check on Shipweb?├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix asked.
├óÔé¼┼ôCheck what?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôAbout Earth, you silly man.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôOh...well, you're the one with the antennas.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy shrugged.
├óÔé¼┼ôHey!├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix clapped her hands over her antenna. ├óÔé¼┼ôI like these.├óÔé¼┬Ø
Jimmy turned back to the trash and muttered. ├óÔé¼┼ôSo do I.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWhat was that?├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix asked, putting a hand to her ear and cocking her head
├óÔé¼┼ôI said, why don't you use them!├óÔé¼┬Ø
Pix mouthed the words ├óÔé¼┼ôWhy don't you use them├óÔé¼┬Ø as she twiddled with her left antenna, then her right antenna. Electricity sparked between them with a soft fizzit sound. Pix jumped. Jimmy kept digging through the trash. A minute later and Pix's eyes went wide. She clapped her hands over her antenna, breaking the connection.
├óÔé¼┼ôUgh! The closest thing I got was a really nasty looking Arachnos webpage.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôHow nasty?├óÔé¼┬Ø
Pix looked a little green. ├óÔé¼┼ôTwenty one and up nasty.├óÔé¼┬Ø
Jimmy turned back to the pile of trash. He pulled out an ill-defined hunk of garbage, dribbling brownish ooze, much like the ooze he had scraped off the rest of the pile with his squeegee. ├óÔé¼┼ôThat's pretty nasty.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôNastier then what you got there...what do you got there?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôI...├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy trailed off. He ran his gloved thumb over the edge of the dripping brown thing he'd pulled out of the pile. A greenish, crystal threaded through with thousands lines of pure light shone through. Jimmy frowned, cleaning the entire thing off on the palm of his glove. He hefted the crystal in one hand, watching the way the light refracted and warped through it. It wasn't cracked, or jagged or anything. It was...perfect.
├óÔé¼┼ôHey...check this out Pix!├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy tossed the crystal through the air in an arch. It flashed at the apex of it's flight like a star. Not that Jimmy or Pix had ever seen a star, or a window for that matter.
├óÔé¼┼ôWhoa,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix murmured, looking at the crystal. She held up to her glow light, letting the glow-light refract through it. Dots of green light traces across her face and she winces as one gets in her eye. ├óÔé¼┼ôThis looks...perfect.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôIs it clean?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jinmy asked.
├óÔé¼┼ôAs clean as can be in..uh...in a trash compactor.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôNo! Does it have things on it.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy wiggled his fingers. ├óÔé¼┼ôInside and everything.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôOoooh right,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, pulling the side of her shirt up. Jimmy caught a glimpse of skin before Pix slid the crystal into the ring shaped intake/outtake port jutting out from below her ribs, right above her right hip. The port whirred, assessing the crystal. ├óÔé¼┼ôNo...no, it's got data. A lot of data.├óÔé¼┬Ø Her brow furrowed. ├óÔé¼┼ôA lot of encrypted data.├óÔé¼┬Ø
Jimmy chewed his lip. ├óÔé¼┼ôIf we could read it...├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôThen we could sell it!├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix finished his sentence for him. She danced a victory dance; her shoes splashed water around and sent a computer part flying.
├óÔé¼┼ôGood thinking.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy grinned. ├óÔé¼┼ôThough, I think we should check with Dad first.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôOh come on, we found it.├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix pulled the crystal out of her I/O port and waved it at him like a magic wand. ├óÔé¼┼ôThe Uppers saw fit to throw away a perfectly good DC, why should we make the same mistake?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôI didn't say we should give it to dad. We should just...ask him about it.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy turned back to the pile.
Pix shrugged and slid the crystal back into her port with a soft chink. Pausing to run her finger along the edge where living flesh met cold metal, Pix smiled a little guiltily.
Jimmy turned back, holding a shiney silver computer chip. Pix jerked her hand away from her port, blushing. Jimmy didn't notice, turning the part over in his hands.
├óÔé¼┼ôThis'll do,├óÔé¼┬Ø He said, tossing it to Pix. She caught it and slid it into the bag. They worked in silence for a moment...before Pix's ears twitched, hearing something. She turned, slowly, and something move in the dark upper right corner of the compactor. She walked slowly to it.
├óÔé¼┼ôHey, think this is good?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy asked, holding up a bundle of wires. ├óÔé¼┼ôPix?├óÔé¼┬Ø
Pix held the glow lamp up to the corner and revealed a very dusty security camera. The camera lenses whirred, focusing on Pix's face. Pix stared back, her eyes whirring softly.
├óÔé¼┼ôWhat is it?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy asked, slogging over to the camera.
├óÔé¼┼ôIt's a camera,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, looking at him. She looked as shocked as he'd ever seen her. ├óÔé¼┼ôI've never seen a camera down here. Not a working one at least.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôCool.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy leaned close to the camera. It panned from him to Pix, then to Pix's side. Pix looked at herself and saw her I/O port sticking out from under her shirt. She hastily adjusted her shirt, but it was too late. The camera turned back to Jimmy. A distant groan and shudder went through the entire room, sending ripples through the water and scattering trash down the central pile.
├óÔé¼┼ôWhat was that?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy asked, looking around. ├óÔé¼┼ôThis thing is off right?├óÔé¼┬Ø
A warning light by the door flashed on, yellow, then red, then yellow again and a klaxon, long out of use, started to wail. The entire room shuddered again, a loud groaning sound filling the air.
├óÔé¼┼ôThat answer you question!├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix shouted, grabbing Jimmy's arm and running to the exit, their boots sending water spraying.
The walls shuddered for a final time, then slammed forward, sending water flying inward.
Pix and Jimmy ran for the door, slogging frantically through the water and trash, the camera sliding backwards into a niche in the wall to avoid their fate. The walls jerked faster, their aged motors picking up speed. Pix shot out the door a moment before Jimmy. Jimmy put on a last burst of speed and cleared the door. The walls slammed shut behind him. Jimmy felt his jacket tug on him, hard enough to squeeze the air of him.
Jimmy wheezed, leaning against the now closed door. His arms felt as if they had been almost wrenched out of their sockets by his sleeves.
├óÔé¼┼ôJimmy!├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix cried, running forward. ├óÔé¼┼ôAre you okay?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôMy...jacket's caught,├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy groaned, sliding his arms out of the jacket and stepping forward. He turned around and saw that the jacket's back had been caught between the compactor's walls, which had sealed together to block off the doorway. If he had been a second slower...he was distracted from the grisly train of thought by Pix hugging him.
├óÔé¼┼ôNever do that again. I thought you had got an arm crushed off, or worse,├óÔé¼┬Ø She murmured.
├óÔé¼┼ôI think I'd be a bit less calm if I had done that,├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy said, not that he felt particularly calm at the moment. His knees were shaking, knocking together once every few moments. But he was calm enough to notice how close Pix was...
├óÔé¼┼ôStupid Uppers,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix muttered, let go of Jimmy, to his disappointment. She shook her fist at the ceiling. ├óÔé¼┼ôI bet you forgot we live down here, didn't you!├óÔé¼┬Ø
Her words bounced down the hallway, unheard by any but them, a few inoperable security cameras and piles upon piles of trash that accumulated in the deliberately shut down compactors.
Jimmy felt this throat go dry as he realized that no other compactors were lurching to unwanted life. No one...but the one he and Pix had been in. He gulped. ├óÔé¼┼ôSo that's what it feels like when someone walks over your grave.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWho walked over the what now?├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix asked.
├óÔé¼┼ôIt was something Dad said...long time ago.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy shivered. Then. ├óÔé¼┼ôOh sewage! The crystal!├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôI got it, right here,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, smiling. She waved the crystal under Jimmy's nose, the glow-light refracting through it and dazzling his eyes. ├óÔé¼┼ôThough I notice that you're more worried about that than about me.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWorried about you?├óÔé¼┬Ø Jimmy squawked. ├óÔé¼┼ôYou got out first!├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôJealousy, jealousy, jealousy,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix said, walking down the hall, dragging Jimmy with her.
-
Guessmyname
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: 28 Apr 2005, 21:07
O...kay. So, if you ever did want to do a cover, it would definitely have to be of Jimmy and Pix, running down a corridor, holding hands, with a laser beam narrowly missing them. And it'd be at a dramatic angle, and would have the letters E.L.F at the top, with tiny words reading, "Electronic Life Form," below the corresponding words. Then, at the bottom it would say: By <name withheld>
And no, you don't have to make this cover. In fact, if you did I would be pleasantly surprised.
And no, you don't have to make this cover. In fact, if you did I would be pleasantly surprised.
-
Archangel of Death
- Posts: 854
- Joined: 28 Jan 2005, 18:15
Wow, I caused 5 pages to get posted? I feel special.
It definitely reads a lot smoother now. Good job cleaning it up!
You might want to have another look over the tenses though, in case there are more like this paragraph:
It definitely reads a lot smoother now. Good job cleaning it up!
You might want to have another look over the tenses though, in case there are more like this paragraph:
├óÔé¼┼ôWhoa,├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix murmured, looking at the crystal. She held up to her glow light, letting the glow-light refract through it. Dots of green light traces across her face and she winces as one gets in her eye. ├óÔé¼┼ôThis looks...perfect.├óÔé¼┬Ø
What the bloody hell is Cave Story?
Now for a trailer...or, really, just a bunch of random paragraphs showcasing new things.
------------------
Don't ask me where he got a copy of "The Silence of the Lambs", cause I don't know.
------------------
And that ends the trailer. Hopefully you liked it. And if you didn't like it...it's your fault.
This is mostly so you know, I was serious about adding things. Not just tightening, but also smoothing and injecting. Fun.
Now for a trailer...or, really, just a bunch of random paragraphs showcasing new things.
------------------├óÔé¼┼ôWe're going to make a run though the Cordon. Do you have any vehicles?├óÔé¼┬Ø Anna glanced at Udo. ├óÔé¼┼ôUdo dosn't like legging it.├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôAha!├óÔé¼┬Ø Jack snapped his fingers, grinning. ├óÔé¼┼ôI have just the thing...Rolls Royces!├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôRolls Royces?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôHover Rolls Royces.├óÔé¼┬Ø Jack wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner. ├óÔé¼┼ôFollow me, I'll show you!├óÔé¼┬Ø
------------------├óÔé¼┼ôThe battle isn't going to get close to the Slayer. They'd have to be crazy to do that.├óÔé¼┬Ø Anna smiled. ├óÔé¼┼ôAnd they can hide really well. What with that time I left them under a tank?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôNo,├óÔé¼┬Ø Udo paused. ├óÔé¼┼ôYou left them under a tank?├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôYeah, they'll be fine!├óÔé¼┬Ø Anna grinned. At Udo's expression, she added. ├óÔé¼┼ôIt was wrecked at the time.├óÔé¼┬Ø
Yes, Ed is a girl. And in Pix's head alone. Creepy that.After a few minuets of working, she got her other hand out. A few minutes later and she had both her feet out. Pix stretched, feeling the wound in her stomach. It didn't hurt too much anymore. She licked her lips and started to sneak around. She was in a large hollowed out area of ice and it was cold. She shivered and rubbed her arms with her hands. The middle of the ice cave had a large hole in the ground that she carefully skirted. There were two entrances to the cave, one leading up and one leading down.
├óÔé¼┼ôThis place is creepy!├óÔé¼┬Ø Ed whispered, leaning over Pix's shoulder.
Pix almost jumped down the hole, biting down hard on her lip to stop from screaming.
├óÔé¼┼ôEd...don't do that!├óÔé¼┬Ø Pix put her hand over her heart and felt it hammer. ├óÔé¼┼ôPlease!├óÔé¼┬Ø
├óÔé¼┼ôWhere are we?├óÔé¼┬Ø Ed walked around, putting her fingers through the ice wall with a staticy interference. ├óÔé¼┼ôLooks chilly.├óÔé¼┬Ø
------------------
Pix's heart froze and she tried to step backwards, but her arms and legs were bound by something. The Slayer floated in the air in front of her, it's sinuous metallic tail swishing back and forth. It's arm, the one with the scythe blade, hung at it's side, while it's arm with the matte black sphere was stretched towards Pix's face. Five circles opened in the sphere and five long, three jointed fingers extended. Each were tipped with a slender, almost graceful blade.
├óÔé¼┼ôScanning language banks: English, 40th century.├óÔé¼┬Ø The Slayer's voice sounded warbly, like a bad speaker. It's single eye focused, whirring like a camera. ├óÔé¼┼ô*chrrick*, it rubs the lotion- the lotion- on it's skin.├óÔé¼┬Ø
Don't ask me where he got a copy of "The Silence of the Lambs", cause I don't know.
------------------
And that ends the trailer. Hopefully you liked it. And if you didn't like it...it's your fault.
This is mostly so you know, I was serious about adding things. Not just tightening, but also smoothing and injecting. Fun.
-
Guessmyname
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: 28 Apr 2005, 21:07
You're making a cover!?
I mean...good job. Didn't I tell you what I'd have on the cover on Smoth's site?
No, I didn't. But it needs to be a combination of Jimmy and Pix running with laser beams and explosions chasing them down corridors and such. If you could work Hir into there too, that'd be nice. Like a Star Wars poster.
But better.
I mean...good job. Didn't I tell you what I'd have on the cover on Smoth's site?
No, I didn't. But it needs to be a combination of Jimmy and Pix running with laser beams and explosions chasing them down corridors and such. If you could work Hir into there too, that'd be nice. Like a Star Wars poster.
But better.
-
Guessmyname
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: 28 Apr 2005, 21:07