Boirunners guide how NOT to play in Spring - Page 3

Boirunners guide how NOT to play in Spring

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Boirunner
Kernel Panic Co-Developer
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Post by Boirunner » 06 Feb 2007, 14:29

Thanks, SwiftSpear. When Neuralize said he found a legitimate strategy in there, I started to wonder if this was a good idea myself. :(

Anyway, Deathplane and tombom had the right idea. Help and contribute so we get a list of all the things NOT to do when playing Spring. And for added lulz, try to actually make them seem like good ideas at first glance.



() COMMENT THE GAME AS A SPEC! There is nothing quite like speccing a game to laugh at some n00bs. But if you are, you should make it interesting. For example, comment on the main chat channel on what is happening! Telling players that their enemy has no AA, for example, adds an interesting dynamic to the game, and that is basically what specs are for.

() TEACH NEW PLAYERS! If you are to meet a new player, it is your natural reaction to laugh at him for being a n00b. What is important is that after this, you must play him and utterly defeat him early in the game with strats like flashspam, leaving him no hope or chance, and then laugh at him for being a n00b. Her earned it! After all, the only way for him to get better is to get raped and beaten time and time again. Your first 30 games weren't fun, so why the hell should that guys be?
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tombom
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Post by tombom » 06 Feb 2007, 15:56

ETTIQUETE WHEN LEAVING - When you get bored with the game, make sure to self-destruct your stuff and leave without warning. After all, you're not in it anymore so what happens afterwards shouldn't matter. It's even better if you're defending an important place or you tell everyone "host is laggin, pls lev, i wil host".

GOING AFK - If you want to do something else, it's fine to leave the game for as long as you want without telling your teammates. Don't quit as the stupid n00bs on your team will probably mess up your beautiful base. When you come back, if there is any chance you might lose, saying "OMG you bunch of noobs y do i eva play with u" and self-destructing your base, ignoring anything everyone says, will prevent you losing any of your well-earned pride.
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RogerN
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Post by RogerN » 06 Feb 2007, 16:34

() IT"S DANGEROUS OUT THERE - Sometimes even veterans are tempted to venture out past their defenses. There may be lots of wreckage to reclaim, or perhaps you just want a peek at what the enemy is up to. But don't fall for this noob-trap! Your opponent is just using the wreckage to lure your defenseless construction units and scouts away from safety. Keep all your units behind your defensive lines at all times.

() MINIMIZE SELF DAMAGE - Some structures, like wind generators and metal makers, explode violently when destroyed. If you're not careful these structures can wreck your base when they blow up. For this reason, it's best to build all of these explosive structures in one spot, so that the rest of your base is safe from harm if they happen to explode. Pack them together as closely as possible so that they're easier to defend.

() SECURE FIRST - If you break through an enemy's defensive line it's important to secure your new territory before continuing your attack. Remember, it's dangerous out there! You want to keep your units behind defenses whenever possible. So wait until you've built some more defenses closer to the enemy before you advance further.
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1v0ry_k1ng
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Post by 1v0ry_k1ng » 06 Feb 2007, 17:19

RogerN wrote: () MINIMIZE SELF DAMAGE - Some structures, like wind generators and metal makers, explode violently when destroyed. If you're not careful these structures can wreck your base when they blow up. For this reason, it's best to build all of these explosive structures in one spot, so that the rest of your base is safe from harm if they happen to explode. Pack them together as closely as possible so that they're easier to defend.
lol
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rattle
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Post by rattle » 06 Feb 2007, 17:24

I've done that in Dune II when I was 10. Put a conyard on enemy terrain and spam rocket turrets.
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BrainDamage
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Post by BrainDamage » 06 Feb 2007, 17:41

i hope you do accept adds from n00bz like me as well..

() THE HIGHER TECH, THE BETTER IS! under any circumstances you should go and rush for the highest tecnology ailwable; more resources will requies for it's production, the better will be! Such a resource efficient unit/building would certainly outrange any hostile force and therefore should be developed as soon as possible to ensure your resources won't be sucked up by weaker L1 or L2 factories, the sissy stone-age tech will only waste your time and supplies.
Last edited by BrainDamage on 06 Feb 2007, 18:35, edited 1 time in total.
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manored
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Post by manored » 06 Feb 2007, 18:19

Since the post tittle was been "fixed" I will make a contribuition:

IGNORE THE VETS ADVICE:

Ignore any advice that super-veteran that cant remember the last time he lost a game in your team may give you. He is not interested in your success and is trying to make you look like a idiot. Make the oposite of everthing he tell you to and if your team begins to yell at you that means they are also a bunch of jerks and so you should load their coms in transport aircrafts, combomb their bases, the self-d and rage quit.
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Day
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Post by Day » 06 Feb 2007, 18:34

nooooooooooo dont ignore the vets
or dgun their comms in com ends!
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rattle
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Post by rattle » 06 Feb 2007, 19:16

Hmm who the fuck changed the topic of this thread? This took out half of the fun...
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tombom
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Post by tombom » 06 Feb 2007, 19:26

rattle wrote:Hmm who the fuck changed the topic of this thread? This took out half of the fun...
SwiftSpear wrote:Unlocked with a condition... admitantly that kind of ruins the point of the joke to begin with...

However, I'm gonna require it because of the horrifying thought of someone new actually reading here and believing anything said here is a good idea.
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rattle
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Post by rattle » 06 Feb 2007, 19:28

Sorry, overlooked Swift's post apparently.
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PicassoCT
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Post by PicassoCT » 06 Feb 2007, 19:50

() RESOURCES SHOULD BE SHARED
Not by you of course, because as the best Player has to make the biggest Defenseline and the Highest Instant Tech, you should be supported by the other NOOBS. And if they don´t do, reclaim there worthless efforts - remember they will phail anyway, so before the Enemy gets them - use there Power to push to Hi-Tech and save the Day.
And don`t turn weak, if they start to whine and ask for conunits to turn over. Who the hell ever helped you, beside yourself ? No way to hand those Retards useless Presents...
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CompWiz
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Post by CompWiz » 06 Feb 2007, 20:07

lol i used some of these before
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RogerN
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Post by RogerN » 06 Feb 2007, 20:49

() ATTACKING IS INEFFICIENT - The title says it all. If you attack then your enemy can shoot you with both tanks AND lasers, but you can only return fire with tanks. Instead, you should wait for your enemy to attack you on your own turf. This way you can do more damage and be more efficient.

() CONCENTRATION IS KEY - It takes lots of mental effort to manage an army and build a good base. There's always something else to do, whether you're building more defenses or continuing to increase your technology. Therefore it's very important to not be distracted by events on the other side of the map. Concentrate hard on managing your base, and try not to worry about anything that doesn't involve your own units.

() DON'T BUILD ANTI-NUKE UNTIL YOU NEED IT - If you build an anti-nuke for no reason then you waste a lot of metal. It's entirely possible that you may never need an anti-nuke. Therefore you should wait until you know you need it. In a typical 8 person game, there's only a 12.5% chance that you'll get nuked first - giving you plenty of time to build an anti-nuke once you know you need it.

It's recommended that you chastise any teammates who get nuked, since they weren't following this simple rule. Obviously they actually needed an anti-nuke and therefore should have built one earlier.
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Lolsquad_Steven
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Post by Lolsquad_Steven » 06 Feb 2007, 22:39

"() IT"S DANGEROUS OUT THERE - Sometimes even veterans are tempted to venture out past their defenses. There may be lots of wreckage to reclaim, or perhaps you just want a peek at what the enemy is up to. But don't fall for this noob-trap! Your opponent is just using the wreckage to lure your defenseless construction units and scouts away from safety. Keep all your units behind your defensive lines at all times. "

Lol.
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Cheesecan
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Post by Cheesecan » 06 Feb 2007, 23:41

This thread gave me a good laugh. Thanks. Here's my contribution.

() EYE OF THE TIGER - If by any chance you get your base all blown up, obviously through no fault of your own, the only logical course of action is to shout "wtf" and hit quit the game. Why waste time on a game you cannot win, team spirit is for losers anyway.

() ANTI AIR - If your enemy is a pesky Air Faggot(TM), don't waste time building tech 2 anti-air. In fact, what few who play this game know, is that tech 1 anti-air is much more effecient and should always be preferred. 3 pulverizers > 1 flak. If your teammates do not know this don't bother pointing it out, for they are obviously too dumb to understand the finer elements of a complex game such as Spring.

() PAUSING - If you need to do something, say grab another bag of chips from the pantry, hit pause and hurry away. This way you don't have to waste time explaining why you just paused the game, and thus can resume the game faster. If by any chance you come back and find that the game is unpaused, announce to everyone on your team that they are faggots and then leave. That'll teach them. This also has the added benefit of causing confusion and/or argument and will likely ruin the remaining game for those left.

() HOSTING - As you become more and more attuned to the intricacies of Spring pwning you will one day feel that you are ready to take upon you the greatest position of power there is in Spring. That of the host. As you hit the host button do not bother to set any rank limit on your game. Everyone knows this is for sissys. As people slowly trickle into your room you will do well to manually sort out to the noobs from the pros. In practice this means anyone with less rank than yourself must be kicked. In fact, in most cases you can even kick anyone with less than a star, even if you yourself do not have one. If someone asks, simply state that you forgot the password to your veteran account of 900 game hours. If anyone chooses a color remotely similar to your own, make a fuss about it. This establishes the pecking order in the room, it is important that you ascert your dominance in this way. They may have played longer than you, but you are definately wiser and more knowledgeable about every aspect of the game than they ever will be. This is the sort of confident attitude you wish to aspire toward, with it you are sure to win every game you choose to win.

() GAME MODE - Always assume the game mode is set to continues. If you too late realize that it is not, slander the host and promptly quit the game. This is an advanced psychological technique that ensures that the host in question will never again host a com ends game. If you join a game and notice that it is game ends, proclaim to all that the game should be continues. Do not hit ready until your will is done. If all else fails, leave, but not before slandering the host. Make sure you get the last word.

() TEAM PLAY - Always assume that you have the best economy of any player in the game. This automatically makes you the best player as well. If you for some reason still lose despite of this, take comfort. It was not by your own fault, but your team mates, who were inadequate.

() RESISTANCE IS FUTILE - Always smacktalk your enemy in 1v1. This breaks his spirit and his concentration, thus ensuring your inevitable success. A really skilled smacktalker will be able to provoke his enemy to smack back. This is actually a trick, as the skilled smacktalker is immune to smack, while causing the enemy to lose focus. Master the skill of smacktalking and you will reign supreme in 1v1. Do not however try this in team games, as people will become jealous of your smack powers and grow to envy you. Although it can be flattering at first, it is quite annoying in the long run and should be avoided like the noobs who play speedornetal instead of speedmetal.
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LordMatt
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Post by LordMatt » 07 Feb 2007, 01:16

Day wrote:dgun their comms in com ends!
It's even funnier when you know they're trying to and dodge it. ;)
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Boirunner
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Post by Boirunner » 07 Feb 2007, 04:33

Hahaha, thank you all that have contributed! This is perfect!
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LordMatt
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Post by LordMatt » 07 Feb 2007, 08:20

() STICK IT TO THE MAN! - If a moderator asks you to stop spamming/saying racial or vulgar things in #main/harassing other players/etc. under no circumstances should you listen to him. He's not the boss of you, he's just a huge n00b on a power trip. You have an important reason for posting goatse links in #main and nothing's going to stop you from doing it, besides, freedom of speech man! While you could just ignore him and keep doing whatever it is you are doing, its better to go on the offense. Start spamming him via PM with the link some nasty website and "YOU ARE GAY" or something to that effect. If he kicks or mutes you, be sure to register a new name, use something like DECITARDO or LORDGAY that further insults the mod, and go right back to whatever you were doing. DO NOT EVER let a moderator get in your way. If you're 1337 enough to get banned, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES try to sort things out with the moderator via PM. Real men post a forum thread explaining exactly why the mod that banned them is a total douchebag and should be removed from the moderating team. If your thread gets locked/deleted, keep spamming your point in multiple threads all across the forums to make sure your point gets across to all the other users. They'll surely see things your way, and if they don't, they're n00bs. Once you're banned from both the forum and the lobby, you will have completed your mission. All that's left is to wait till your dynamic IP changes to STICK IT TO THE MAN AGAIN!
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tombom
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Post by tombom » 07 Feb 2007, 09:05

USE THE DRAW FEATURE - It is very important to mark out boundaries so that everyone knows where to build. Then, if one of your teammates builds on a mex or geo you wants, builds buildings on your side or lets his units almost cross the line, you can dgun all his units. If he persists, commbomb him. That'll teach him not to trespass on your property.
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