Bible 2.0: Closet Deist

[Zoombie]

Hokay, so. I've been away for a long long time, but now I am BACK and I'm ready to dance and make words for your entertainment!

For those who do not know, I am Zoomer Z. Zoombie, bi-gendered master of the occult and all around awesome fella. I write for fun and for attempted profit, and I used to post my stories up here for my fellow Springers to read.

And then I mysteriously vanished. Just like...THE MAYANS!

But now, I'm back, and I have a delightful bevy of stories here for you to read and enjoy.

Though, I must admit that there is an ever so sneaky reason I post here: I work faster with people yelling at me to go on. So, if you like this story, please...post and tell me, then threaten me with murder if I don't write MOAR.

And so, without further adieu...I present our Feature Presentation...

###

Bible 2.0: Closet Deist

By Zoomer Z. Zoombie



Chapter Two: The Five Stages of Angelic Acceptance

ÔÇ£You're an angel.ÔÇØ

The first stage of Angelic Acceptance was reached between Daniel Danton and the Angel. It was a good first step, one that many people throughout time and space had made. The Angel nodded, slowly, her blond hair bobbing slightly over her eyes. Her arms were crossed across her chest, not in a way that made her look demeaning. No, she was aiming for simply stern. Okay, stern and she didn't know what else to do with her hands. Flowing white robes never had pockets, something she'd have to bring up the next time she got to meet with the Big .

ÔÇ£You...are an angel...ÔÇØ Daniel said, this time slower and without contractions. That made it sound more amazed. Or like he was suffering from oxygen deprivation. Either one.

The Angel nodded. ÔÇ£Yup! A boni-fide, in the flesh, totally real and non-hallucinatory-ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£You're hot.ÔÇØ

The Angel's serene smile crashed apart like a plate dropped on the floor as Daniel blazed a new trail from Step One straight to Step 17 Year Old Boy. ÔÇ£WHAT!?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Oh god I'm sorry!ÔÇØ Daniel clapped his hand over his mouth. ÔÇ£I mean, oh G hyphon D...er, uh, I mean Jehoshaphat?ÔÇØ

The Angel, who's cheeks had gone from pale to blood red in sixty microseconds, snapped: ÔÇ£Chill!ÔÇØ

Daniel chilled. He chilled so fast his heart stopped for a bit.

ÔÇ£Okay, first...um...thanks.ÔÇØ The Angel bit her lip. ÔÇ£And secondly, don't worry. The Big really does not care what name you call .ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Um...I'm confused.ÔÇØ Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose. ÔÇ£And when I get confused, I get scared. When I I I I get scared, I, panic, and when I panic, I-ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Chill!ÔÇØ The Angel commanded again. ÔÇ£Listen, only special people get to hear 's true name.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Special?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Well, we're all special. But, well...have you brought anyone back to life?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£No.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Sat under a tree for forty days and nights without eating or drinking?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£No.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Read a new bit out of the bible using golden plates and a top hat?ÔÇØ

Daniel sighed. ÔÇ£Fine, fine!ÔÇØ

Silence ticked by in the room. Daniel slowly sank back into his computer chair. He sighed, looking up at the ceiling, then back down at her. She was sitting down too, her tush settled onto the bed.

And no, Daniel had not been lying, nor was Daniel's standards low. She was HOT. Not in the smoking hot, slutty socialite way. No, she was hot more in the smart-girl-who-worked-out-and-didn't-have-glasses-cause-you-don't-need-glasses-too-be-smart hot.

She sighed, rolling her shoulders up and down, eyes closed. Her neck POPPED loudly.

ÔÇ£Okay. You're an angel,ÔÇØ Daniel said again.

She nodded.

ÔÇ£Why?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Why what?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Why...me.ÔÇØ Daniel bit his lip. ÔÇ£I mean...Jesus, I'm not even Christian!ÔÇØ

The Angel sighed. ÔÇ£Well, that's going to take some explaining-ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Oh, and...wait!ÔÇØ Daniel stood up. ÔÇ£Before we do anything, my name is D-ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£I know your name is Daniel, I've been watching over you all day now.ÔÇØ

Daniel blinked. ÔÇ£Um...wait, all day!? All the time!ÔÇØ

The Angel blushed, looking to the side.

Daniel suddenly felt like he should crawl into a deep, dark, dark, dark hole, and hide for a long long time. Maybe for the next thousand years? That might be enough time. Sure.

The Angel coughed, covering her mouth with her hand for a moment. She withdrew that hand and sighed. ÔÇ£Well, um, anyway!ÔÇØ

###

Chapter One: The Dismal Days of Daniel D. Danton

Daniel, in a word, hated his life. Hated hated hated it. Course, so did seventy five percent of all suburban teenagers.

Some had reasons. There were enough entirely screwed up parents and families to give those in suburbia their living hells. Neurotic mothers and absentee fathers, drunkards, molesting uncles, the whole shebang.

Others didn't. They simply believed they were born at the worst of times due to a poor understanding of history and poorer grasp of social economic conditions in the rest of the world. Others suffered from what most qualified psycho-annalists called ÔÇ£Being a whiny bitchÔÇØ

Burn on Emo-kids. Burrrn.

Daniel suffered from none of those. Rather, he suffered from, in his words, differences between he and the majority of his school's Judaio-Christian population, with a focus on the appropriateness of carnal knowledge before the unfair binding of a crippling and outmoded social contract.

In other words: He couldn't get laid.

And so the stage is set...but the story does not REALLY kick off till the week before All Hallows Eve. Daniel's parents were gone for a two week business trip through Europe On the first Saturday of their vacation, Daniel kicked off his time alone by browsing the Internet for imported Japanese porn anime when his life changed dramatically...not that he would notice till that evening.

The change came in a blaze of glory and white light behind Daniel's chair, a blaze he absolutely didn't notice, seeing as how The Angel that appeared in his room was incorporeal, invisible and inaudible.

The Angel looked about the room. Faded posters for old comic book movies like The Dark Knight and Iron Man. A too-small bed with lots and lots and lots of pillows. A top of the line computer, and incredibly comfortable and ergonomic chair. And, of course, Daniel himself, lounging in said chair.

Then the Angel saw what was ON the computer screen.

ÔÇ£Oh aaagh!ÔÇØ She covered her eyes and jerked back. ÔÇ£What the fuck! Tentacles do not go there!ÔÇØ

[Forboding Angel]

ÔÇ£Oh aaagh!ÔÇØ She covered her eyes and jerked back. ÔÇ£What the fuck! Tentacles do not go there!ÔÇØ

Lmao! That is possibly the best quote on this board ever. Right up there with "I fuck in sky" and

squelching noises

I said I'd like it, and I definitely am not disappointed The beginning has a heck of a lot of promise.

[Neddie]

Psychoanalyst. As in, "Neddie is a bitchy psychoanalyst."
Judeo-Christian. As in, "Neddie is immensely critical of the classic Judeo-Christian perspective and the ways in which it informs the average American."

Good to see you've kept up with your writing, and I'm just being bitchy and critical. Looking forward to more.

How have you been? Haven't seen you around these parts much since that last 1v1 of E&E over two years ago, and I haven't seen you in person for about as long...

[Zoombie]

Life, college, and I still can't spell.

[Neddie]

Of course, of course. Where you at? I'm finishing up, myself. Also, that isn't an EGS avatar, is it? It is reminiscent of Shive's style but differs in some details.

[Zoombie]

Dresden Codak. I chose it because I too believe in the betterment of the human condition through overwhelming application of SCIENCE...

Also, boobs!

As for my actual college, it shall remain secret, as shall my name, face, and true idenity.

[Neddie]

I do not agree with the pseudoscientific elements of the comic but I have enjoyed it. Your name and face are known to me, your true identity can never be known by any but yourself.

[Zoombie]

Oh, the comic makes a lot of stuff up...tis very sci-fantasy. I mean its got the Tiny Carl Jung (inventor of the Tiny Shadow Self)

But, its got better visuals than any other transhumanist thing I could find.

Also, well...I've driven that joke into the ground.

Now I sleep. More Bible 2.0 tomorrow.

[Gota]

So,another nutcase to the spring collection.
Help us smear some more shit on the walls.

[Spawn_Retard]

someone TL;DR the story for me

[rattle]

So,another nutcase to the spring collection.
Help us smear some more shit on the walls.

Joined: Tue Mar 15, 2005 8:08 am

now leave him alone!

[KingRaptor]

You misspelt deist >:( >:( >:(

Having just finished two Carl Sagan books (The Demon-Haunted World and Broca's Brain), I must say I am very intrigued by the basis of the story. That, and I like the funnies. Please, do show us more.

[Zoombie]

Your wish is my command!

###

ÔÇ£Oh aaagh!ÔÇØ She covered her eyes and jerked back. ÔÇ£What the fuck! Tentacles do not go there!ÔÇØ

Daniel relaxed back into his chair.

The Angel backscooted out of there, phasing through the door as though it were smoke. She turned around, facing the hallway of that lead up to his room. She sighed. ÔÇ£Oookay, well, um...okay.ÔÇØ She bit her lip. ÔÇ£This is no worse than that guy who was really creepily into balloon animals. You can do this! Also, note, stop talking to yourself...ÔÇØ

She froze as a gray tabby house cat padded up the stairs and stood, glaring accusingly at her.

The Angel put her hands together before her. ÔÇ£Ah! Uh...ÔÇØ She paused, panic rushing through her mind for a moment before she remembered her taining.

ÔÇ£I am not here for your Food, or your Warm Places.ÔÇØ She bowed, slightly, then put her hand through the wall. ÔÇ£See? Incorporeal.ÔÇØ

The cat shrugged, the way that cats do, and then walked off to go spend thirty minuets walking in circles before laying down somewhere warm and soft.

The Angel sighed with relief. She would have to establish some kind of equatable relationship with the housecat...and soon! Housecats were not safe to ignore, nor slight. As her teacher had said: Housecats are subtle...and quick to anger. Rather than dwell on that, she started to explore the house. The first and most important thing to find were the nexus of power, the places where emotions were strongest and people gathered most often. As expected: The TV room and the dining room and the ------- were fine places, though the parent's bedroom was oddly bereft of well...much of anything.

The Angel checked out the pantry and the fridge, and, without anything more interesting to do, she ghosted through the DVD collected. She had gotten to the E's when the door to the house exploded open, whamming against the wall next to it and knocking two pictures off the wall.

And from the outside, surrounded by glimmering afternoon sunlight, a young man slid into the house on his slippery dress shoes, hands held up and out in a Y pattern. ÔÇ£TADAAAAAAAAAAAAA!ÔÇØ He call out. ÔÇ£Daniel, your master has appeared!ÔÇØ

A moment later, the sound of Daniel's door bursting open came down the stair. ÔÇ£Tybalt!?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£The one...THE ONLY!ÔÇØ Tybalt spun on his toe and struck a pose as Daniel ran down the stairs, adjusting his pants.

ÔÇ£The fantasique...ÔÇØ Tybalt licked his lips, voice dropping to a whisper. ÔÇ£Tybalt.ÔÇØ

Daniel stage clapped.

ÔÇ£So, so, so! My dearest and best and most unfortunately straight friend,ÔÇØ Tybalt grinned at Daniel. ÔÇ£How is your fine and spectacular Saturday going?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Wasn't the front door locked?ÔÇØ Daniel muttered.

Tybalt went on, deaf to Daniel's mutterings. He placed his hand on his chest. ÔÇ£I, for one, have been preening.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Preening?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Preening.ÔÇØ Tybalt nodded, his bangs flopping before his hair. He flicked it back with a single gesture, snapping at the wrist. ÔÇ£Before a mirror. I am the most vainest of all of Gods creatures! ÔÇ£

The Angel rolled her eyes. ÔÇ£I dunnkow,ÔÇØ she muttered. ÔÇ£Have you ever met a peacock?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£What was that?ÔÇØ Tybalt turned his head to the side. The Angel blinked, but before she could do anything, the housecat walked down the stairs, drawn by the commotion. ÔÇ£Aww, its a kitty!ÔÇØ

Tybalt knelt down and rubbed the housecat's ears. The housecat threated to destroy him, in the customary cat way. Tybalt narrowly avoided complete annihilation when Daniel poured out some food for the housecat, who padded off to eat it from the bowel.

ÔÇ£So, what are you doing here, Tibby?ÔÇØ Daniel leaned against the counter as the house-cat ate his fill.

ÔÇ£Bothering you!ÔÇØ Tybalt grinned. ÔÇ£Want to go and drag throughout the town?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Do you remember what happened last time you did that?ÔÇØ Daniel crossed his arms over his chest.

ÔÇ£I got a free sample of-.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£They threw paint at you.ÔÇØ

Tybalt frowned. ÔÇ£Fine! Be a worry wringer.ÔÇØ

Daniel sighed, slowly. ÔÇ£I really hate this town.ÔÇØ

Tybalt sighed and hugged Daniel, squeezing him so tight that Daniel's eyes bugged out and almost popped out, to fall into the house-cat's drinking bowl.

As it was, Tybalt simply dragged Daniel out to his car, a shockingly boring old Ford truck, retrofitted with a new hydrogen fuel cell engine. The engine stuck out of the top of the hood, making it look, in Tybalt's words, like a spaceship fucked a Model T.

The car purred into motion and Tybalt tapped the steering wheel as he pulled out of the neighborhood and started to cruse around. ÔÇ£Okay, so,ÔÇØ He said, not taking his eyes off the road. ÔÇ£Where are we gonna drag? The gym? Gym is good. Sweaty guys and those weird chromosomal mistakes you putter after.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£You mean girls?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£That was the name!ÔÇØ Tybalt grinned. Daniel sighed, but only a bit. Tybalt had the weird talent of making even the most biting comments sound...nice. Nice and friendly. Either that or Daniel knew him too well to be put off by it.

ÔÇ£Also, gyms usually mean they're too tired and focused on working out.ÔÇØ Daniel frowned. ÔÇ£The Cow Palace?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Cowboy dens give me hives.ÔÇØ

Daniel sighed, even as Tybalt pulled up to a shopping center. ÔÇ£Look at THAT!ÔÇØ

Daniel looked. And then his jaw dropped. It was...it was...

ÔÇ£A Disco Club!ÔÇØ Tybalt breathed.

ÔÇ£Disco is dead! Its been dead for forty yea-ÔÇØ

Tybalt was already parking. He slammed on the parking breaks, pocketed the RFT chip that kept the car running, and was out the door in a flash.

The Angel, who had been sitting in the back of the car, leaned over and through the front seat. She made her fingers corporeal and jerked Daniel's jeans over a small protruding bit of machinery under the chair. He stood, got caught up, and spent a few moments jerking and wriggling to get his leg free.

In those moments, a car careened around the corner and into the parking lot, squealing to a stop in the last second. The Angel grinned and watched as Daniel got out of the car and walked through where the car would have hit him, completely oblivious to what would have been a crippling or lethal accident.

The Angel stretched her arms above her head and sighed. ÔÇ£I still got it!ÔÇØ

Daniel walked into the Disco Club and the seventies bitch slapped him in the face. He almost staggered at the scents and the sounds and the images...oh god, men in spandex! Agrgh!

Tybalt was in heaven.

Daniel waked up behind him, muttering. ÔÇ£Listen, um, we can't stay super long, cause, well, my parents said that keeping the house empty for a long time is-ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Oh my god, look! He's doing that finger point thing!ÔÇØ

Daniel closed his eyes. ÔÇ£Um, kay, I'm gonna just...stand outside, okay Tibby?ÔÇØ

Tybalt nodded. ÔÇ£Rightio!ÔÇØHe shouted over the increasingly loud rendition of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees.

Daniel waked outside, head still ringing. He sighed, putting his hands in his pockets and looking at the sky. He could see an afternoon zeppelin coming in over the skyline, heading towards the 'port in the middle of the city. He watched the clouds, thinking.

And next to him, the Angel studied him, slowly. She bit her lip, then reached out to gently brush some of his hair away from his eye. Then she adjusted his collar.

Daniel didn't notice. She was good at not being noticed.

Then, slowly, an old man rode past on a bicycle. He had two large containers stuffed with newspapers on either sides of his bike, and he was hawking them at the top of his lungs. ÔÇ£Extree extree!ÔÇØ

Daniel blinked. An old man...selling newspapers. That was not something someone saw every day. Specially not ten years after the last newspaper went out of business. He jogged over to the slowly tottering along old man

The old man kicked out his kickstand and turned his withered face to look at Daniel. He had a single blue eye...and his other eye had to be some kind of early Halloween costume. It was an overly large...screw bolt, one that gleamed in the sunlight.

ÔÇ£Why hello there boyo,ÔÇØ The old man wheezed. ÔÇ£You look like someone who's...lost.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Uh...no, I actually-ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Here!ÔÇØ The old man slapped a newspaper into Daniel's chest, grinning. His screw-eye gleamed. ÔÇ£Take one. For free.ÔÇØ

He then kicked his kickstand up and started to ride off, his bike creaking and squeaking as it went.

Daniel bit his lip, feeling as though something really important had happened. He looked down at the newspaper, then opened it up, gulping. He sat down at the curb and started to read...

[MidKnight]

training, not taining
minutes, not minuets (though I do like minuets, too)

[Caydr]

Holy shit it's zoombie.

[Zoombie]

As I've said before: I can't spell.

[MidKnight]

Your wish is my command!

###

ÔÇ£Oh aaagh!ÔÇØ She covered her eyes and jerked back. ÔÇ£What the fuck! Tentacles do not go there!ÔÇØ

Daniel relaxed back into his chair.

The Angel backscooted out of there, phasing through the door as though it were smoke. She turned around, facing the hallway of that lead up to his room. She sighed. ÔÇ£Oookay, well, um...okay.ÔÇØ She bit her lip. ÔÇ£This is no worse than that guy who was really creepily into balloon animals. You can do this! Also, note, stop talking to yourself...ÔÇØ

She froze as a gray tabby house cat padded up the stairs and stood, glaring accusingly at her.

The Angel put her hands together before her. ÔÇ£Ah! Uh...ÔÇØ She paused, panic rushing through her mind for a moment before she remembered her taining.

ÔÇ£I am not here for your Food, or your Warm Places.ÔÇØ She bowed, slightly, then put her hand through the wall. ÔÇ£See? Incorporeal.ÔÇØ

The cat shrugged, the way that cats do, and then walked off to go spend thirty minuets walking in circles before laying down somewhere warm and soft.

The Angel sighed with relief. She would have to establish some kind of equatable relationship with the housecat...and soon! Housecats were not safe to ignore, nor slight. As her teacher had said: Housecats are subtle...and quick to anger. Rather than dwell on that, she started to explore the house. The first and most important thing to find were the nexus of power, the places where emotions were strongest and people gathered most often. As expected: The TV room and the dining room and the ------- were fine places, though the parent's bedroom was oddly bereft of well...much of anything.

The Angel checked out the pantry and the fridge, and, without anything more interesting to do, she ghosted through the DVD collected. She had gotten to the E's when the door to the house exploded open, whamming against the wall next to it and knocking two pictures off the wall.

And from the outside, surrounded by glimmering afternoon sunlight, a young man slid into the house on his slippery dress shoes, hands held up and out in a Y pattern. ÔÇ£TADAAAAAAAAAAAAA!ÔÇØ He call out. ÔÇ£Daniel, your master has appeared!ÔÇØ

A moment later, the sound of Daniel's door bursting open came down the stair. ÔÇ£Tybalt!?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£The one...THE ONLY!ÔÇØ Tybalt spun on his toe and struck a pose as Daniel ran down the stairs, adjusting his pants.

ÔÇ£The fantasique...ÔÇØ Tybalt licked his lips, voice dropping to a whisper. ÔÇ£Tybalt.ÔÇØ

Daniel stage clapped.

ÔÇ£So, so, so! My dearest and best and most unfortunately straight friend,ÔÇØ Tybalt grinned at Daniel. ÔÇ£How is your fine and spectacular Saturday going?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Wasn't the front door locked?ÔÇØ Daniel muttered.

Tybalt went on, deaf to Daniel's mutterings. He placed his hand on his chest. ÔÇ£I, for one, have been preening.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Preening?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Preening.ÔÇØ Tybalt nodded, his bangs flopping before his hair. He flicked it back with a single gesture, snapping at the wrist. ÔÇ£Before a mirror. I am the most vainest of all of Gods creatures! ÔÇ£

The Angel rolled her eyes. ÔÇ£I dunnkow,ÔÇØ she muttered. ÔÇ£Have you ever met a peacock?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£What was that?ÔÇØ Tybalt turned his head to the side. The Angel blinked, but before she could do anything, the housecat walked down the stairs, drawn by the commotion. ÔÇ£Aww, its a kitty!ÔÇØ

Tybalt knelt down and rubbed the housecat's ears. The housecat threated to destroy him, in the customary cat way. Tybalt narrowly avoided complete annihilation when Daniel poured out some food for the housecat, who padded off to eat it from the bowel.

ÔÇ£So, what are you doing here, Tibby?ÔÇØ Daniel leaned against the counter as the house-cat ate his fill.

ÔÇ£Bothering you!ÔÇØ Tybalt grinned. ÔÇ£Want to go and drag throughout the town?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Do you remember what happened last time you did that?ÔÇØ Daniel crossed his arms over his chest.

ÔÇ£I got a free sample of-.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£They threw paint at you.ÔÇØ

Tybalt frowned. ÔÇ£Fine! Be a worry wringer.ÔÇØ

Daniel sighed, slowly. ÔÇ£I really hate this town.ÔÇØ

Tybalt sighed and hugged Daniel, squeezing him so tight that Daniel's eyes bugged out and almost popped out, to fall into the house-cat's drinking bowl.

As it was, Tybalt simply dragged Daniel out to his car, a shockingly boring old Ford truck, retrofitted with a new hydrogen fuel cell engine. The engine stuck out of the top of the hood, making it look, in Tybalt's words, like a spaceship fucked a Model T.

The car purred into motion and Tybalt tapped the steering wheel as he pulled out of the neighborhood and started to cruse around. ÔÇ£Okay, so,ÔÇØ He said, not taking his eyes off the road. ÔÇ£Where are we gonna drag? The gym? Gym is good. Sweaty guys and those weird chromosomal mistakes you putter after.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£You mean girls?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£That was the name!ÔÇØ Tybalt grinned. Daniel sighed, but only a bit. Tybalt had the weird talent of making even the most biting comments sound...nice. Nice and friendly. Either that or Daniel knew him too well to be put off by it.

ÔÇ£Also, gyms usually mean they're too tired and focused on working out.ÔÇØ Daniel frowned. ÔÇ£The Cow Palace?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Cowboy dens give me hives.ÔÇØ

Daniel sighed, even as Tybalt pulled up to a shopping center. ÔÇ£Look at THAT!ÔÇØ

Daniel looked. And then his jaw dropped. It was...it was...

ÔÇ£A Disco Club!ÔÇØ Tybalt breathed.

ÔÇ£Disco is dead! Its been dead for forty yea-ÔÇØ

Tybalt was already parking. He slammed on the parking breaks, pocketed the RFT chip that kept the car running, and was out the door in a flash.

The Angel, who had been sitting in the back of the car, leaned over and through the front seat. She made her fingers corporeal and jerked Daniel's jeans over a small protruding bit of machinery under the chair. He stood, got caught up, and spent a few moments jerking and wriggling to get his leg free.

In those moments, a car careened around the corner and into the parking lot, squealing to a stop in the last second. The Angel grinned and watched as Daniel got out of the car and walked through where the car would have hit him, completely oblivious to what would have been a crippling or lethal accident.

The Angel stretched her arms above her head and sighed. ÔÇ£I still got it!ÔÇØ

Daniel walked into the Disco Club and the seventies bitch slapped him in the face. He almost staggered at the scents and the sounds and the images...oh god, men in spandex! Agrgh!

Tybalt was in heaven.

Daniel waked up behind him, muttering. ÔÇ£Listen, um, we can't stay super long, cause, well, my parents said that keeping the house empty for a long time is-ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Oh my god, look! He's doing that finger point thing!ÔÇØ

Daniel closed his eyes. ÔÇ£Um, kay, I'm gonna just...stand outside, okay Tibby?ÔÇØ

Tybalt nodded. ÔÇ£Rightio!ÔÇØHe shouted over the increasingly loud rendition of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees.

Daniel waked outside, head still ringing. He sighed, putting his hands in his pockets and looking at the sky. He could see an afternoon zeppelin coming in over the skyline, heading towards the 'port in the middle of the city. He watched the clouds, thinking.

And next to him, the Angel studied him, slowly. She bit her lip, then reached out to gently brush some of his hair away from his eye. Then she adjusted his collar.

Daniel didn't notice. She was good at not being noticed.

Then, slowly, an old man rode past on a bicycle. He had two large containers stuffed with newspapers on either sides of his bike, and he was hawking them at the top of his lungs. ÔÇ£Extree extree!ÔÇØ

Daniel blinked. An old man...selling newspapers. That was not something someone saw every day. Specially not ten years after the last newspaper went out of business. He jogged over to the slowly tottering along old man

The old man kicked out his kickstand and turned his withered face to look at Daniel. He had a single blue eye...and his other eye had to be some kind of early Halloween costume. It was an overly large...screw bolt, one that gleamed in the sunlight.

ÔÇ£Why hello there boyo,ÔÇØ The old man wheezed. ÔÇ£You look like someone who's...lost.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Uh...no, I actually-ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Here!ÔÇØ The old man slapped a newspaper into Daniel's chest, grinning. His screw-eye gleamed. ÔÇ£Take one. For free.ÔÇØ

He then kicked his kickstand up and started to ride off, his bike creaking and squeaking as it went.

Daniel bit his lip, feeling as though something really important had happened. He looked down at the newspaper, then opened it up, gulping. He sat down at the curb and started to read...

It's very nice so far, the characters are amusing and engaging, but the plot seems to be rambling a bit.

[Zoombie]

Oh, don't worry, it'll get even more rambly.

[Regret]

You should write softcore porn scripts.

[Zoombie]

Thanks?

More stuff, as I am in a writery mood today.

###

ÔÇ£Whatcha reading?ÔÇØ Tybalt burst outta no where. Daniel leaped and yelped, folding the paper shut as Tybalt leaned on his shoulder.

ÔÇ£J-Just a...ÔÇØ Daniel blinked. ÔÇ£A newspaper. Some old guy was throwing them around.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£A newspaper?ÔÇØ Tybalt grabbed the paper from Daniel. ÔÇ£Huh...is this like an antique?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£No, its dated today.ÔÇØ Daniel sighed. ÔÇ£Kinda grim news.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£I'll say...ÔÇØ Tybalt muttered. ÔÇ£Was it really this bad in the Middle Easy?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£East, Middle East.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Yeah, I like my name more.ÔÇØ Tybalt sighed, flipping the paper. ÔÇ£Jeesh, this is why I don't read the news.ÔÇØ He tossed the paper side, into a trashcan. ÔÇ£Cumon! You gotta check out this guy I just met! He has this girl attached to him, but if I can man-e-uver the guy away, I think you could get the girl!ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Nah, I'm not really in the mood.ÔÇØ Daniel held his hand up.

Tybalt pouted. ÔÇ£You're no fun today!ÔÇØ He sighed. ÔÇ£Are you okay man?ÔÇØ

Daniel bit his lip. ÔÇ£Its just...I dunnkow.ÔÇØ

Tybalt slid his arm around Daniel's shoulders and kissed his cheek. ÔÇ£There there,ÔÇØ He murmured. Daniel sighed.

ÔÇ£BURN IN HELL FAGS!ÔÇØ A guy shouted from a car that squealed around the corner. A beer bottle smashed into the ground right before Tybalt and Daniel's feet, shattering into a thousand green gemstones. The car squealed around the corner, even as Tybalt flipped them off.

ÔÇ£Yeah, you better run!ÔÇØ Tybalt shouted after them.

Daniel sighed and kicked at a larger shard of glass near his foot. It landed in the gutter and gleamed.

ÔÇ£Daniel...I think you're right, the day is kinda shot. I'm sorry.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Its not your fault, Tibby. Not your-ÔÇØ

Jump cut to Daniel's room.

ÔÇ£Fault!ÔÇØ Daniel paced back and forth in his room, muttering to himself. ÔÇ£Seriously! What has put all these insane ideas in people's heads?ÔÇØ

He waggled his finger at his reflection in the mirror, even as The Angel sat and watched him, biting her lip. She hadn't been quite this conflicted since 1917.

ÔÇ£You know what.ÔÇØ Daniel muttered. ÔÇ£Its crazy...but it just might work.ÔÇØ

He paused.

ÔÇ£Who am I talking too?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Me.ÔÇØ The Angel sighed. ÔÇ£Daniel this is a terrible idea.ÔÇØ

Daniel didn't hear her. Rather, Daniel sat down, started up his computer with a quick swipe of his hand over the power switch. The computer hummed and blipped to life, even as Daniel leaned back in his chair. ÔÇ£What to call it, what to call it?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Nothing!ÔÇØ The Angel shouted. ÔÇ£Just play video games or something!ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Ah!ÔÇØ Daniel grinned, popping open a word processor. His fingers settled onto the keyboard and he sighed, then typed.

Bible 2.0: A New Testimant for a New World

He frowned, then hit delete for a while.

Bible 2.0: A Bitchen New Testimant for a Bitchen New World

He frowned again. Something was still off. Then he realized it.

Bible 2.0: A Bitchen New Testament for a Bitchen New World.

There we go.

The Angel covered her face. ÔÇ£Ungh! No!ÔÇØ She dove forward, through the desk, and grabbed the plug on his computer. But it was bolted to the wall. Who bolted their computer plug into the wall!?

She scowled, then stuck her head through the wall and followed the cable out of the house and to the fusion cell in the back yard. She bit her finger, trying to figure out how to do this...specially cause the fusion cell was buried under the ground.

ÔÇ£Ack!ÔÇØ She groaned. ÔÇ£Why did they have to go off fossil fuels?ÔÇØ She muttered, kicking at the ground. She stuck her head down there, but in-copreality did not make soil any less dark...or filled with worms. Ew!

She jerked up, sighing and looking around. She bit her lip, then flew up into his room. ÔÇ£Listen, Daniel...this is totally a bad idea!ÔÇØ She bit her lip. ÔÇ£Like, you're not a Prophet, and...gah, biblical prose should not contain the words ÔÇ£totally awesomeÔÇØ next to one another!ÔÇØ

But Daniel was typing...and storm clouds were gathering in the sky, metaphoric and literal ones. A bit fat raindrop smashed into his window, startling him for a moment. ÔÇ£Huh,ÔÇØ He muttered.

The Angel bit her lip, hard. ÔÇ£No! No, wait!ÔÇØ She flew straight up into the sky through the roof. She held her hands up. ÔÇ£Wait...I can convince him! Don't smite him!ÔÇØ

The rain lessened slightly.

ÔÇ£Please! I can DO this!ÔÇØ The Angel bit her lip. ÔÇ£It won't be another Dolph, okay!ÔÇØ

The rain lessened, but continued to drizzle.

The Angel almost cried with relief, then spun around and headed back down to the house. She landed in Daniel's room and sighed, slowly, closing her eyes.

ÔÇ£Daniel, please stop.ÔÇØ She whispered. But she knew that wasn't enough.

She knew what she had to do.

ÔÇ£BAMPH!ÔÇØ

There was a crack of thunder, a blaze of light...and Daniel glanced over his shoulder. Then he yelped, leaping away from the computer and crashing to the ground. He gaped at the Angel sitting on his bed.

ÔÇ£Hi!ÔÇØ She said, waving.

ÔÇ£Hi,ÔÇØ He whispered. ÔÇ£You're a-ÔÇØ

Chapter Three: Co-Author Pool Party with Lightning. And Fire.

ÔÇ£So-ÔÇØ Daniel shifted in his chair, which squeaked. ÔÇ£You're a Guardian Angel? I thought Angels were supposed to be...ya know. Androgens?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Yeaaah, about that. Basically, it kinda worked in the past, but in the early sixties, the Committee of Angelic Integration and Chaperonship or CAIC -ÔÇØ She pronounced it a bit like kayak ÔÇ£-decided the Angels did a better job helping people when they understood their personal issues more viscerally. And so, genders we were given!ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Ah.ÔÇØ Daniel bit his lip. ÔÇ£Why aren't you a guy.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Complicated reasons.ÔÇØ The Angel waved her hand. ÔÇ£Anywho, you can't write this!ÔÇØ

Daniel bristled. ÔÇ£And who says that?ÔÇØ He growled, suddenly. ÔÇ£God or blank or the Creator or whatever gave us free will, according to most of the holy works in the world. Right?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Yeaah, but that still does not mean you should jump off of a CLIFF.ÔÇØ

Daniel sighed. ÔÇ£But...there's so much...evil out there.ÔÇØ He bit his lip. ÔÇ£Like, you've gotta watch the news. So many people taking crazy ideas about other people and doing horrible things cause of them. And I know that...putting new ideas out there won't fix everything but...ÔÇØ He sighed. ÔÇ£But...I don't know. I'm sick of being powerless to help other people, or to change the world.ÔÇØ

He stood up. ÔÇ£But...well...the only thing stopping ME from writing this is your God, a God I don't even know if I believe in, even with you sitting right there.ÔÇØ

The Angel watched him, her face impassive.

Daniel turned around and watched the rain putter down. ÔÇ£And, well...I dunnkow. Wouldn't it be nice to have a bible actually co-authored by a certified, boni-fide, non-hallucinatory Angel?ÔÇØ

He blinked. ÔÇ£Say...ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£What?ÔÇØ The Angel narrowed her eyes.

Daniel turned around, grinning. ÔÇ£Uh...Angel...listen. The Bible was cobbled together over centuries, like a thousand years ago!ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Two.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Whatever.ÔÇØ Daniel held his hands up. ÔÇ£But, what if we wrote a NEW Bible, but wrote it in like, a few weeks, and we had all the good ideals of yesterday, with ethics that can finally be applied. Like, equal rights being a religious imperitive!ÔÇØ

The Angel blinked. ÔÇ£Um, but...ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£And we can leave out all that hurtful crap!ÔÇØ Daniel was getting more excited, his hands waving to accentuate his words. ÔÇ£And with a real honest to God Angel, we can...I dunnkow...make it super offical!ÔÇØ

The Angel looked aside, then at him. ÔÇ£But...ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Please.ÔÇØ He grabbed her hand. Warmth flowed through her. She had never touched a human before. They were...so...alive. She shifted and looked into his eyes, her breath coming short as well now.

ÔÇ£I...I gotta think, okay!ÔÇØ She let go of his hand and shifted back on the bed. Daniel gave her space.

The Angel looked up at the ceiling. The rain had not gotten any worse or any better. She closed her eyes. She muttered to herself, softly, in a language that wasn't English. Daniel didn't quite get it, but he kept quite. She had to think afterall.

ÔÇ£F...ÔÇØ She opened her eyes ÔÇ£If we get struck by lightning, its your fault!ÔÇØ She pointed at him.

The rain faded. Moonlight filled the back yard

The Angel was speechless.

ÔÇ£So, um...cool?ÔÇØ Daniel looked around outside. ÔÇ£Huh. Rain's stopped. Does this mean the Big is not gonna kill us?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£M...maybe.ÔÇØ The Angel sighed. ÔÇ£Lets just hope. Now, lets lay down some ground rules.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Whatever one person writes, the other should okay.ÔÇØ Daniel said. ÔÇ£Like, so that we like, balance and stop one another from doing something.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Okay!ÔÇØ The Angel hopped off the bed. ÔÇ£First things first, no Gospel has ever ever ever had the sentence: 'And so, Jesus was like, the most awesome guy ever.'ÔÇØ Her finger stabbed delete.

Daniel scowled. ÔÇ£Well, how else would you describe it?ÔÇØ

The Angel bit her lip, then typed a sentence. Daniel read it. Then he whistled. ÔÇ£That's actually a lot better.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£See.ÔÇØ The Angel grinned, putting her nose in the air slightly. ÔÇ£That's how you write Biblical language.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Then why don't you write it?ÔÇØ Daniel stood up, offering his chair to her. She blinked.

ÔÇ£Um, but its your idea!ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Yeah, but you're kinda better suited to the actual writing.ÔÇØ Daniel grinned. ÔÇ£I can read it and make sure that you're words aren't too cryptic. You can write it so it actually sounds good.ÔÇØ

The Angel chewed her lip. ÔÇ£Deal.ÔÇØ She settled back in her chair, mind racing. Okay, she had swerved him away from the path he had been hurtling down. The Big wasn't going to strike them with lightning. But...

What the heck was she actually going to write?

Together, they stared at the blank screen before them, at the single blipping line that represented where all the words they WOULD type would come from. The line didn't move.

ÔÇ£We're gonna need more coffee,ÔÇØ The Angel muttered.