Bible 2.0: Closet Deist

[Forboding Angel]

lol

Am I the only one majorly confused by the beginning of that last one? I understand that the4 chapters are jumping around, but yeah...

[KingRaptor]

Mainly I'm x_x at the fact that this plot is so...surreal...it's already jumped three sharks and an orca...

Still reading it anyway, though.

[Zoombie]

I tried to jump the shark right at the beginning with transdimensional house cats, out of order chapters, Catholic Ninjas...

[Archangel of Death]

Today I finally caved in to that weird draw to the offtopic forum I've been feeling for weeks... and look what I find! Yep, thats definitely a fine piece of Zoombie writing there. I'm actually kinda enjoying the mental acrobatics needed to keep up with the flip flopping chapters.

Yes. Someone is reading. And yes, he is doing it silently over your shoulder as always.

[bobthedinosaur]

_

[Zoombie]

Hurrah! My confidence in my writing is restored!

Unfortunately, I have to write a goddamn homework pre-paper of DOOOOOOOM

[Zoombie]

Now, there has been a slow down in posts. Why? Because a writing project that I got to 95% completion then stopped writing is reminding me of its existence. If I can polish it off, get it too 100%, then polish it and send it to agents, then hurrah for me!

So, um...

Please don't send ninjas?

[Archangel of Death]

Not too unlike Zoombie, I never die. Though I am prone to watching from the shadows...

[Neddie]

Not too unlike Zoombie, I never die. Though I am prone to watching from the shadows...

Battletech?

[Zoombie]

Hey guys!

I bet you thought I was dead.

Well, i totally wasn't.

Four words, though.

Three, actually. One's a compound word: BAT-MAN: ARKHUM ASYLUM

I'm addicted to the crunching sound of breaking bones, I admit it!

Also, um, the shark is about to be catapulted into the sun. You have been warned.

###

Chapter Twenty: Oh Boy

ÔÇ£You know, I'm having a weirder feeling about this...job...every second,ÔÇØ The receptionist leaned on the front desk of the hospital, his head cocked to the side as he talked into his phone. ÔÇ£Al...no, don't start that superstitious hooey again!ÔÇØ

He paused, then glared at the air next to him. ÔÇ£And stop talking about that girl, she was barely eighteen!ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Oh you can not!ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Ahem.ÔÇØ

The Receptionist looked up. Then up some more. Then up just a little more. Before him stood three very very tall men. The one to the right was brown skinned, with a vibrant headdress made of flowers and gemstones and dyed strings. His face was wide and hard, his eyes focused and unwavering. His chest was bared, though there were many many scars scattered across it. Finally, he wore a loincloth that did not cover nearly enough. To the left was a man with shockingly brilliant golden hair, forced underneath a helm of iron, battered and beaten. Over his chest laid a Chainmail covering, with a bright blue pants stretched over his massive massive thighs. Finally, huge furred boots covered his feet. Oh and he had a huge hammer that he leaned on perpetually.

Then, between them, stood a...well, a man with an bird's head. His chest was broad and covered with a tight green cloth covering, a golden shoulder wrap thingy covering his neck and arms, a white kilt covering his waist and crotch. His feet were wrapped in sandals...not that the receptionist noticed, as he was just a little too busy gawping at the whole bird head thing.

The man with the hammer leaned forward. ÔÇ£Where is Daniel D. Danton?ÔÇØ

The receptionist gulped. ÔÇ£Hoboy.ÔÇØ

Meanwhile, half a hospital later, and Daniel got to watch a nurse wrap a cybertech-cast around his foot. ÔÇ£We just got these. Okay, basically...imagine a cast but make it SMART with cybertechnology and neat things and...stuff.ÔÇØ She finished kinda lamely.

Daniel nodded. It was good to know that the same technology keeping Gitta's breasts perky was going to be keeping his foot from exploding.

ÔÇ£So, how did you break this anyway?ÔÇØ The nurse looked up, even as the cast molded to his foot and he yelped. ÔÇ£Oh yeah, there's a bit of a pinch.ÔÇØ

Daniel sighed, closing his eyes. ÔÇ£I kicked Satan in the balls.ÔÇØ

The nurse snorted. ÔÇ£Good one!ÔÇØ

She stood. ÔÇ£That'll be charged to your insurance. You do have insurance right?ÔÇØ

Daniel nodded.

ÔÇ£Okay, so, important things to know about the cybertech-cast. Firstly, it'll only be on for about a week, so come back in after Halloween and we can take it off. Secondly, its re-usable, so if you break it, you owe us extra. Thirdly, don't get it wet after midnight.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Or else...ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£It explodes.ÔÇØ

Daniel nodded. ÔÇ£That is a bit pro-ÔÇØ

The door burst open and a the very tall man with the hammer strode into the room. The nurse gave one startled squawk before the man with the hammer tossed her out of the room with a crash.

ÔÇ£Daniel D. Danton!?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Uh-uh-uh-uh-ÔÇØ Daniel stammered, pushing himself backwards.

Gitta appeared at the doorway, armor and sword at the ready. ÔÇ£All right, buddy, back the fuck off!ÔÇØ

The man with the hammer turned and laughed, hefting said hammer up. ÔÇ£You use a woman to fight your battles?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£I wouldn't say that I USE her per-say,ÔÇØ Daniel sat up, the blatant sexism snapping him out of his shock. ÔÇ£But, uh, Gitta is going to totally kick your ass.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Back away from the mortal.ÔÇØ Gitta aimed her sword at the man with the hammer. Flames flickered and snapped, even as Daniel saw Tybalt watching from behind Gitta. Great, now he'd have to explain to his friend that his life had become a magnet for the weird.

ÔÇ£I have not come for a fight, but if you want one...ÔÇØ The man with the hammer lifted it up slightly. Lightning crackled along the hammer head, zapping against the lamp in the ceiling, which exploded in a shower of sparks that cascaded down the man's back.

Gitta narrowed her eyes and the two stood at an impass: Battered iron armor and lightning hammer against golden armor and blazing flaming sword.

ÔÇ£Wait, you're Thor!ÔÇØ Daniel slapped the side of his head.

ÔÇ£Aye.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Wh...why are you here?ÔÇØ Gitta narrowed her eyes further, her brow furrowing. ÔÇ£You're supposed to be retired!ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Ha! Retired at the force of ignorance. Retired by my temples going silent. Retired by monotheism.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£You're just jealous!ÔÇØ

Thor growled and Daniel held up his hands. ÔÇ£Whoa, no fighting, you two! Thor...put the hammer down. Gitta, banish the armor and the sword.ÔÇØ

They both glared at him. Daniel, though, had been glared at by Satan. After that, everything else was pretty much a non-issue. Then Gitta sighed and let go of her sword, letting both it and her armor puff away, leaving her in her jeans and shirt. Thor lowered his hammer, even as the woman he had thrown out of the door groaned and got to her feet.

ÔÇ£Whats going on?ÔÇØ She mumbled. Tybalt took her hand and guided her away.

ÔÇ£Now,ÔÇØ Thor turned to Daniel. ÔÇ£I have come for you, Daniel D. Danton. I and my associates have come to talk to you about this...Bible Two Point Oh.ÔÇØ

Daniel opened his mouth. Then closed it. ÔÇ£You want to be written in, don't you?ÔÇØ

Thor beamed. ÔÇ£You are-ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Um, okay, can I interrupt you there for a second?ÔÇØ Tybalt stepped in, holding up his hands as he did so.

Thor looked at him and cocked his eyebrow.

ÔÇ£Could you like...not use that echoy god voice thing that gives us all a headache?ÔÇØ

Thor sighed. ÔÇ£Fine.ÔÇØ

Chapter Twenty Two: Outline Change

Gitta and Daniel sat at Daniel's ------- table, trying to not be wowed. But it was really hard to not be completely awed when not one, but three gods sat across from you.

ÔÇ£You see,ÔÇØ Thor shifted on his chair, which squeeaked against the floor. ÔÇ£We three have been in retirement for about twelve thousand years, combined. We think its time for a change.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Uuuuuuuuuuuuh.ÔÇØ Daniel, who was still trying to grapple with the events of chapter twenty one, just gawped.

Ra opened his beak and screeched.

ÔÇ£Well said.ÔÇØ Gitta nodded, tapping her chin with her finger. Daniel looked at her, then at Ra.

ÔÇ£We feel as though we have been wrongfully forced out of a job.ÔÇØ Quetzalcoatl rumbled. ÔÇ£If you reinstate us, then we could add flavor and spice to an otherwise dull manuscript.ÔÇØ

Daniel closed his eyes.

Gitta sighed, slowly. ÔÇ£Well, why don't we give you our outline, and maybe you could point at the areas you'd most like to be added in. If it works, we might be able to pencil you in, but...well, this is a very tentative offer.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£We understand completely.ÔÇØ Thor said, nodding. ÔÇ£You are more acceptive of our offer than I'd have thought.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Well, now that you've stopped waving that hammer in the air.ÔÇØ Gitta grinned, sliding a paper over to the three Gods.

ÔÇ£So, what do you think, Daniel?ÔÇØ Gitta asked, glancing at him. He started, looking back at her.

ÔÇ£Yeah, yeah, fine its okay.ÔÇØ He muttered.

The Gods stood, bowed, then poofed into smoke. Gitta coughed, but Daniel spotted them slipping out the front door. A moment later, an old SUV rumbled into life and squealed around the corner.

Daniel leaned back in his chair, sighing slowly. ÔÇ£So...do you think that Dr. Stine really can keep a handle on that stuff at the hospital?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Yeah.ÔÇØ Gitta nodded. ÔÇ£He seemed to have things in control.ÔÇØ

They were both silently contemplative.

ÔÇ£So...is...Tybalt is a...ÔÇØ Daniel opened his mouth. Then he closed it. ÔÇ£I never would have guessed that. I mean, how could he keep it from me!?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Daniel, its not something you just walk up too someone and say! And, well, his dad would have been pissed as all hell. And...well, I think he's...ashamed.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Ashamed?ÔÇØ Daniel looked at his hands. ÔÇ£I...can't see Tybalt being ashamed of anything.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Even that?ÔÇØ

Daniel thought about it for a bit. ÔÇ£Okay, maybe that.ÔÇØ

They both sat in silence. Then Daniel stood, stretching his arms above his head. ÔÇ£Well...lets get to work.ÔÇØ

Chapter Twenty One: Tybalt's deep dark secret.

Fifteen miles above the Earth's surface, a spaceship hovered above the Earth's atmosphere, looking absolutely nothing like a brick.

Rather, it looked like something far stranger. Something is going to get the author of this novel sued into the stone age.

It looked like a Douglas DC-8 four jet airliner.

Sitting on a golden throne at the back of the starship was an alien. He wore a bright red robe with a collar that rose up behind his grayish, triangular head. Two evil yellow eyes gleamed in his souless face, narrowed and focused on the main view screen of his starship, at Earth...the prison planet cum concentration camp. Now it was infested, infested with primitive life, primitive life harboring fugitives. He had tried to come, almost eighty of their years ago, only to be thwarted by that...Orson Wells.

Now he was back.

Lord Xenu was back. And this time...it was personal.

He stood and thrust four a wriggling tentacle. ÔÇ£Launch...the Dessicator.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Sire,ÔÇØ His weapons officer stood up. ÔÇ£You used the Dessicator on Tralax V, last week.ÔÇØ

Lord Xenu growled and whipped out his ray gun, blasting the weapon officer into dust. The other bridge officers gulped, looking at one another.

Lord Xenu sighed and sat down, tentacle arms tapping on his arm rest. ÔÇ£Is the Mass Driver charged?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Uh...no, sire.ÔÇØ One bridge officer said, his beak clicking. ÔÇ£A-And there's no ferrous asteroids in the perAAAAUGH!ÔÇØ His skeleton shone through his skin as green light enveloped him and then he collapsed into dust.

ÔÇ£How about...the Necronomicodrone?ÔÇØ Lord Xenu took his tentacle off of his bridge officer disintegration control panel.

The (surviving) bridge officers paused. ÔÇ£Well...that's only got a localized radius.ÔÇØ One said. ÔÇ£But those that it effects can spread outside of the radius.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Good enough!ÔÇØ Lord Xenu stood and thrust his finger dramatically at the world. ÔÇ£Fire the Necronomicodrone!ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Where, sire?ÔÇØ

Xenu growled. ÔÇ£I don't care! It doesn't matter...uuh...ÔÇØ He looked down at his view panel. It displayed a political map of the world based off of translated radio and televisual broadcasts. ÔÇ£Eeenie Mienie, M...ugh...a country that has an acronym for a name, this one.ÔÇØ He stabbed his finger down on the U.S.A.

ÔÇ£Yes sire!ÔÇØ The bridge crew courused.

ÔÇ£Uh...ÔÇØ One turned around. ÔÇ£According to my reports, this country actively arms its population, so the Necroaararrarrgh!ÔÇØ He grabbed at the stump of his fifth hand, which now twitched on the ground.

Lord Xenu lowered his hyper-electricity pistol. ÔÇ£That's a good point...but its still foolish.ÔÇØ He turned and started to pace, cloak swishing over the floor of his ship. ÔÇ£You see, these weapons will not be so easily turned on the creation of the Necronomicodrone. Rather, they will turn on one another! Looting, panic, all of it aided by their...silly second amendment!ÔÇØ

He threw his head back. ÔÇ£MuahahahahahaahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!ÔÇØ

The ship shuddered and the Necronomicodrone fired into the atmosphere of the planet, plunging towards the U.S.A.

Its landing was translated into a slight flickering of the power supply across town, dimming the lights as Daniel walked with Thor to the front of the hospital. ÔÇ£So, you have my address,ÔÇØ He patted Thor on the back. ÔÇ£You and your buddies can come and visit.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£We shall.ÔÇØ Thor stepped out the door. Daniel sighed, watching him go for a moment before turning around, the door closing behind him. He puffed up his cheeks, then looked down at his cybertech-cast. It was actually kinda comfy, he didn't even feel like he had broken his foot! That might have been due to localized painkillers and other such techno-mumbo jumbo. He looked up and watched a man push a gurney down the hallway. The person on the gurney was covered by a sheet.

Daniel shifted uncomfortably. It...was a dead guy.

Then the sheet swept aside and the person on the sheet, skin gray and dead, sat up, eyes blazing red. ÔÇ£Braaaains!ÔÇØ His jaw opened wide and he lurched forward, hands grabbing onto the front of the orderly's shirt.

Daniel, honed by hours and hours of imagination, three editions of the Zombie Survival Guide, and his entire George A. Romero Collection, did the only thing he could.

He sprinted forward, grabbed a folding chair and smashed the zombie in the face with the seat. The zombie lurched backwards, head snapping back as its nose crunched inwards. The orderly staggered backwards, clutching at his chest.

ÔÇ£Gitta! Tybalt!ÔÇØ Daniel shouted. Gitta eschewed normalcy by just jumping through the wall. Tybalt skidded around the corner a moment later. Daniel turned to them, holding his chair. ÔÇ£We have zombies.ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Oh snap!ÔÇØ Tybalt gulped. ÔÇ£Is it just here, or a global thing?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£How would I kn-ÔÇØ BANG! They all spun in time to see a newly headless zombie drop. And there stood...

Dr. Stine.

Not that anyone in our main characters knew who he was. But he strode like a main character, looked like a main character, had had a shotgun, two machetes, two pistols, and two bandoleers of ammo strapped across his chest. So, well, they assumed he was important.

Daniel sheepishly put down his bloody folding chair. Dr. Stine looked at him with narrowed eyes. Then he pumped his shotgun, spun it on his finger and slid it into a holster on his back. Daniel stood up a bit straighter and the wordless rapport shared between those who studied the way of the zombie hunter.

ÔÇ£Lets rock.ÔÇØ They said as one. Stine whipped out his pistols and held them out, handle first. Daniel took one, then handed it to Tybalt. Tybalt cocked it and nodded, even as Daniel took another for himself.

Gitta gaped at them. ÔÇ£Uh...am I missing something?ÔÇØ She asked.

ÔÇ£Its zombies, Gitta.ÔÇØ Daniel grinned. ÔÇ£There's only one thing to do in this situation-ÔÇØ

The doors to the morgue, conveniently placed at the end of this hallway, burst open and a hoard of zombies, almost fifty or so strong, began to slouch out, holding their arms up, jaws open. ÔÇ£Braaaaaaaains!ÔÇØ

Daniel, Tybalt and Dr. Stine spun to face this threat.

ÔÇ£Groovy.ÔÇØ

Gitta sighed and stuck her fingers in her ears as the guns started to roar.

[Forboding Angel]

YAY! Zoombie's back!

[Das Bruce]

I think you're getting worse.

[Zoombie]

I sure am, Bruce, and I'm loving the ride down into insanity.

[Panda]

I sure am, Bruce, and I'm loving the ride down into insanity.

Zoombie, feedback from your audience can be used to help improve you're writing. It's not there so you can just say you're insane, keep doing the same thing, and ask to be praised. It's not like you don't have writing ability, but one doesn't really need to ask for feedback if one already knows everything that they need to know and you, yourself have admitted that you're still learning.

[Zoombie]

Well, it depends on what is getting worse. Quality of writing? Content of the story?

Quality of writing can always be improved. But the story is...well...nuts. Completely and utterly nuts. Its absurdest and its weird and I don't want to change that cause...that's why I wrote it.

[Forboding Angel]

I sure am, Bruce, and I'm loving the ride down into insanity.

Zoombie, feedback from your audience can be used to help improve you're writing. It's not there so you can just say you're insane, keep doing the same thing, and ask to be praised. It's not like you don't have writing ability, but one doesn't really need to ask for feedback if one already knows everything that they need to know and you, yourself have admitted that you're still learning.

I don't think that the story is meant to be taken all too seriously.

[Zoombie]

Its not a serious story. However, that does not excuse poor craft or writing.

However, its also an unedited first draft I'm just posting up here for giggles.

[Panda]

its also an unedited first draft I'm just posting up here for giggles.

I don't think that the story is meant to be taken all too seriously.

Ok, I agree.